Tomorrow, I Go.

Whenever that exact moment arrives to pack up and leave, to say goodbye to life here for a trade of the unknown, it is always met with a bittersweet mix of excited anticipation and nervous fear.

I will be bringing just a bit more than this....

After all the guidebooks, blog-reading, forum-chatting, past-pilgrim talking, random facebooking of current Camino walkers, there has been something building in my spirit wanting to embark on a journey lasting longer than my original plan... to do something I never thought I could do... to test myself - physically, mentally, spiritually - in a way I never have before. Three weeks was comfortable... but five weeks??! To me, that is completely out of the zone of what I know to be tolerable. So, as my fingers dialed American Airlines and the words fled from my mouth, it was as if I was numbed to the person changing their flight - and that person wasn't me. But I couldn't help it. This country that I fell in love with three years ago, it had stolen all common sense and logic as it staked its claim on my heart and wooed me back to itself. 

< photo : Portland 2012 >
Adventures come great and small.

When I try to describe to friends and family that I will be walking a pilgrimage in Spain, I often struggle with the words to make it not sound completely foolish. Partly because of my stumbling descriptions, and partly because it's not a recognized thing in the US (less than 3% of Camino walkers are Americans...) I have received a myriad of responses ranging from believing this is utter insanity to awesome adventure. While my family errs on the side of safety and physical ability, my friends tend to look through the lens of passion, spirituality, and calling. I've been labeled with the words brave or tough or strong, and have attempted in my usual strategies to flawlessly model both - but now that I'm one day away from leaving, I know none of these are true.

In the spirit of independence and summer and adventures, I've wanted to be so fearlessly brave that I run into this pilgrimage head-on, no looking back, without a doubt in my soul. But to say I'm unafraid would be pretending. The dictionary defines courage as doing that which brings you fear. Courage is to have faith to see the fear and face it. The Camino greets me with a spectrum of fear... Will I make friends or feel lonely? Will I get lost? Do I have the right gear? Will it be too difficult? Will I want to give up? Will I miss people here?... All I want to do is yell at this fear and let my strength overcome it... But now I see that fear is part of the process. Without fear, there is no courage. In this way, I see fear as the integral way in which to move forward. 

< Photo : Santander 2009 >
I can't believe I arrive here tomorrow.

I want to do the Camino to remember that God is Enough. 

That He is with me every single step. That He provides, He comforts, He brings meaning to the journey. I want to begin something that feels impossible, but becomes possible. I want every step to be worship. I want to remember the persecuted believers that walked this road so many years ago in search of religious freedom in the west. I want to eat family dinners, drink Spanish wine, and watch the sun go down behind the Pyrenees. I want to make a Camino family and feel that bonded sense of camaraderie that inevitably comes after suffering through something together. I want to step out of the familiar Chicago summer scene and unplug the media and be quiet. I want to walk slowly, take photos, and remember that it is the process that counts. I want to make my Camino separate from others on the walk, and do it my way. I want to trust God for a bed and food and a friend each day. I want to walk into Santiago de Compostela on my birthday, as I see the spindles of the long-awaited cathedral coming into view, and I want to reflect on a good year.

The Spanish word they use to greet and meet on the Camino is Ultreya: to move forward with courage. 

And this is exactly what I want most of all.

So, tomorrow I go. July 11th I start. August 13th I return.

The in-between is the questions and unknowns - and that is where the story is written.

Buen Camino!

"Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls."

:: Jeremiah 6:16