Still Learning

After several failed attempts at scheduling a Field Trip to the Fire Dept via phone, I decided it was time to take matters into my own hands. So yesterday, I rode my bike straight into the ground floor of the local Fire Station and demanded a meeting with the Lieutenant (sounding something to the effect of: "Ummm, do you think maybe I could possibly - ahem - meet with the guy who's in charge here?") It was at this point I was directed to the backstage of Fireman Life. Nervous to leave my bike astray, I pedaled on back, following a trusted new firehouse friend. 

In front of me stood a very important looking man on the phone dealing with important fire issues, I'm sure. I must have looked just slightly out of place with wide eyes gazing into what firemen really do behind the scenes (and also searching for that bell that goes off when the siren alerts a fire when the boys slide from their bunks down the pole to the firetrucks... that exists right???) because the man waved me over to his territory in the house.

Finally the man was off the phone and asked me: "What brings you here?" 

With my best Kindergarten upbeat expressive voice (one that takes some effort to go away sometimes...) I asked if we could schedule a Field Trip... maybe October 11th? He put his pen to a seemingly blank calendar answering "Sure!" ...I guess a fireman's schedule is more of a moment-by-moment basis. It was right when I started to consider this career of no-planning-life-on-the-edge that numerous tones started to ring, whistles called, lights flashed... and I stood there telling myself "Look natural!" 

My cover was blown. Who I now knew as John the Captain looked at me and said, "Hey - are you busy right now?" I glanced at my bike, then his calendar, and at my watch just for effect, and slowly replied "Um, I don't think so?" Did he want to sit and chat and hear all about my hopes and dreams for Kindergarteners at the firehouse...? 

Nope.

He said, "We're going! Come with!" I blankly stared back, "Um, where?" He calmly answers, "To the fire!" At first I thought maybe it was all a joke, until he starts motioning to a firetruck in suggestion that I join him and his crew. Where my curiosity and wonder and awe of firemen life were ignited, it was quickly shutdown with my planned evening of dinner plans, a friend I would call, and an overdue library book I still needed to return. Somehow I stammered out, "On the firetruck? That's crazy." 

I'll never forget what came next. His eyes looked into mine as he said straight and calm: 

"Yeah, it is crazy. You wanna live crazy???" 

My brain screamed to my heart NO NO NO. And that's exactly what came out of my mouth. So I watched as the uniformed men hopped in the truck and saluted me as I sat on my bike in a lonely firehouse. 

And that was that. A moment come and an opportunity passed. It was immediate regret that came over me as I rode away. But I DO want to live crazy! For all this talk about living life in the present, taking experiences as they happen, waiting for opportunities... I just read Love Does (!!!)... I should be an expert at being a Yes Girl! 

Is it all talk? All words about the person I want to be and not the person I am??!

I remember the Spanish life in me - the Yes to everything. And as a result, the experiences and life lived! A "vida loca" I thought was particular to being abroad... and then the following realization that it wasn't Spain, it was my mindset IN Spain. The Yes to foreign, and then the slump into what's comfortable while home. UGH. 

I know this comes naturally to others... but I guess I'm still a work in progress. I don't want to live in the ease of stability and structure... why do I so often settle for this?

And yet - I don't want to live in the disappointment and regret from this missed moment either... All I can do is guarantee myself that next time - impromptu, wherever I am, no matter what - it's a Yes. I can only learn to be this way from the times I remember I wished I was this way more.