While some shudder at the idea of Change, I have typically thought of myself as someone who embraces it - I accept newness as adventure and put myself in the position to overcome difficulty with the vision of growth. When it comes to moving across the country or exploring a foreign country - sure, sign me up. Living in a new space, working a new job, trying regional food, delving into a new church community - okay, I'll be fine.
But when it comes to relationships, I have a different reaction. Lately, I have noticed a slight ambivalence surfacing when I think about how friendships either mold and evolve, or dissolve and fade-out.
After all, I'm the girl who had the same best friend from Kindergarten to Middle School, then carried the same crew of best friends from high school into my mid-20's. The thought of moving on from friendships or letting them dissipate over time always brought such heavy sadness to my heart - how could you share so much growing-up with someone then only talk once a year? How could a person know my heart inside & out, then simply not know who I am anymore?
When I think about romantic relationship, I recognize the magic of the early stages - a fluttering heart with the first kiss, a stomach of butterflies with each text, and an absolute giddiness with any slight mention of the future. Only five months in, I \fear getting to a point of comfort where "I love you" becomes habit, hand-holding is the standard, and selfies together = so normal. I find myself already missing those early-early moments even though we're still in them. I search for a method to cling to each blissful memory because of fear that it might cease to exist. Planning a future and a life with someone brings nostalgia to the Beginning - the stages of sheer glee knowing there is a human in the universe who is so in love with you and so For You that he would truly do anything to be with you.
But thinking about this stage with the desire for it never to end is simply ignoring the beauty that comes with growing through every season of life with someone. While it's true that you can bring delight into the ordinary and make normal moments special, it's also true that romance wears out and you're left with life.
I want to look back and see our love right now for what it is - while it carries the feeling of being deep and perfect, I hope I look back and realize it is surface and imperfect. I don't want to feel what I feel now in five or ten years because I want to know that my love has transformed with time. All the sentimental emotions arise thinking about the beauty in the past five months, but I also desire knowing his dreams, motivations, thoughts, goals, character, quirks, and hopes to a far deeper extent than what is possible right now. While I pushback against Change, I know that the evidence of life together is the exact growth I fight against.
An age-old lesson of the Cross returns: often things in life have to die for something else to begin. Sometimes those friendships have to be left behind or that romance has to die out for a more beautiful relationship to emerge. Grieving What Has Been and moving on towards What Is is a discipline I will never perfect, but I will try to understand. God gave us the Cross as the greatest example of death and life, and He allowed me to walk the Camino to embody this metaphor. He has given me an example of His Love in Benjamin, a shadow of His sacrifice I get to experience on earth... and He gave me a school year with a start and an end so that I can pause and mark the year. He gave me 29 going on 30 and I don't want to be the same person in August as I am today. It's okay. It's okay for that one thing to die, it's okay to move on, and it's okay to Change. Change = Growth; and Growth = Life. I want to move and grow through all the seasons, embracing them as another way to know God and be more refined into the woman He created me to be. And I am so beyond lucky to get to do that alongside forever friends - especially Benjamin, my life's greatest gift.
But when it comes to relationships, I have a different reaction. Lately, I have noticed a slight ambivalence surfacing when I think about how friendships either mold and evolve, or dissolve and fade-out.
After all, I'm the girl who had the same best friend from Kindergarten to Middle School, then carried the same crew of best friends from high school into my mid-20's. The thought of moving on from friendships or letting them dissipate over time always brought such heavy sadness to my heart - how could you share so much growing-up with someone then only talk once a year? How could a person know my heart inside & out, then simply not know who I am anymore?
When I think about romantic relationship, I recognize the magic of the early stages - a fluttering heart with the first kiss, a stomach of butterflies with each text, and an absolute giddiness with any slight mention of the future. Only five months in, I \fear getting to a point of comfort where "I love you" becomes habit, hand-holding is the standard, and selfies together = so normal. I find myself already missing those early-early moments even though we're still in them. I search for a method to cling to each blissful memory because of fear that it might cease to exist. Planning a future and a life with someone brings nostalgia to the Beginning - the stages of sheer glee knowing there is a human in the universe who is so in love with you and so For You that he would truly do anything to be with you.
But thinking about this stage with the desire for it never to end is simply ignoring the beauty that comes with growing through every season of life with someone. While it's true that you can bring delight into the ordinary and make normal moments special, it's also true that romance wears out and you're left with life.
I want to look back and see our love right now for what it is - while it carries the feeling of being deep and perfect, I hope I look back and realize it is surface and imperfect. I don't want to feel what I feel now in five or ten years because I want to know that my love has transformed with time. All the sentimental emotions arise thinking about the beauty in the past five months, but I also desire knowing his dreams, motivations, thoughts, goals, character, quirks, and hopes to a far deeper extent than what is possible right now. While I pushback against Change, I know that the evidence of life together is the exact growth I fight against.
An age-old lesson of the Cross returns: often things in life have to die for something else to begin. Sometimes those friendships have to be left behind or that romance has to die out for a more beautiful relationship to emerge. Grieving What Has Been and moving on towards What Is is a discipline I will never perfect, but I will try to understand. God gave us the Cross as the greatest example of death and life, and He allowed me to walk the Camino to embody this metaphor. He has given me an example of His Love in Benjamin, a shadow of His sacrifice I get to experience on earth... and He gave me a school year with a start and an end so that I can pause and mark the year. He gave me 29 going on 30 and I don't want to be the same person in August as I am today. It's okay. It's okay for that one thing to die, it's okay to move on, and it's okay to Change. Change = Growth; and Growth = Life. I want to move and grow through all the seasons, embracing them as another way to know God and be more refined into the woman He created me to be. And I am so beyond lucky to get to do that alongside forever friends - especially Benjamin, my life's greatest gift.
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