So, its been awhile.

Friends in Mex for NYE

It has been so long since I've been still with my thoughts long enough to allow emotion to be processed into words on a page that feels exposed and vulnerable. I've been hiding from the true exploration of drowned out feelings harbored underneath distractions - avoidance has been a powerful coping mechanism. While 2016 was rang in surrounded by 20 best friends (+family) in a beachside mansion on the coast of Mexico, my heart did not completely match the celebration that surrounded me. No matter how convincing I can force myself to be for my own survival, the despair trapped within me depleted my energy reserves... I had nothing left.

I used to live a life of "no regrets" - regret equated failure, and failure was not an option. Afterall, every missed opportunity or wrong decision can lead to a golden moment of learning, right?! It hasn't been until recently that I've looked back on my breezy attitude towards relationships - moving from one guy to the next with panic at the mention of 'girlfriend' and cutting things off before I had to make a decision for a future event. I hold regret with my self-protecting, independent facade, wishing I had given things a chance long enough to get my heart involved. As 30 approaches, I have been met with the question - what is one thing I want in this last year of my 20's?! Others mention travel destinations or career changes... but I mention Heartbreak. My friends gasp at such an absurd answer- why wish for something so sad??! But the thing about heartbreak is that it marks a change in the way I approach relationships: Opening myself instead of Closing, saying Yes instead of No, committing instead of running. I knew that for me, heartbreak means I truly gave myself to something, risked, and allowed it to penetrate this walled-up heart of mine.

Sibsteins in Mexico

Beautiful NYE dinner

Only a few days into 2016, I received this wish. Only it hurt so much more than the formerly romantic idea floating around my brain. I tried to pretend it wasn't there, or that I didn't care, or that I had moved on... but reality proved the opposite. Now that I'm a few weeks removed, I am learning gratitude. In the past, I never thought I would reach this point - wanting to give my heart away and risk the hurt that it may entail - but I am. I don't want to hold onto relationship regret anymore; I want to see things through until a clear decision can be made. 2016 is my year of Trust - I want to trust someone else - and more importantly - I want to trust God, knowing that He sees it all and holds it close; that He loves and protects and has only good things to come.