Since each of my weekends have been full so far and I have friends in town each coming weekend until I leave, I consciously guarded one weekend Just For Me. I had grand schemes of Portland explorations and adventures to the coast and foodcart grub to-go, and hikes in the Columbia gorge. I love the opportunity to exercise my introverted side and what better place than on a floathouse in Portland?!
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| One of the many Brew 'n View famous theaters of Portland |
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| Oh the joy of the food cart. |
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| Coffee in hand. Driving in beauty. My happy place. |
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| It is just so weird and I love it. |
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| This.bookstore. Powell's. I could be here for days on days. |
So, I was having a blast on Saturday checking off my 'Portland Before I Leave' list.
On Sunday, I headed out for a hike along the PCT and it was the first time I was really out in the "wilderness" alone since the Camino. As I walked, I had this displaced expectation for my Camino friends to be in front of me, behind me, or right beside me. I half-expected Jose or Amber to be waiting at the next bend... for the distant French accent of Pierre or Irish drawl of Mary to float through the trees. I had to shake my head and ground my thoughts and remind myself I-am-in-Portland - what am I thinking?! But at the same time, this deep longing rose up in me to be on the path with others. I was reminded of the comfort that came knowing those dear friends were there, waiting for me and walking with me... the calm and ease I felt knowing we were going through this difficult and painful yet rewarding journey together.
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| The Camino : July 2013 The family who walked it with me. |
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| PCT : June 2014 |
And my mind shifted to my friends back in Chicago, my people who love and support and encourage and uplift me there.
A Thomas Merton quote that I read in Celebration of Discipline came to mind: "It is in deep solitude that I find the gentleness with which I can truly love my brothers. The more solitary I am the more affect I have for them... Solitude and silence teach me to love my brothers for what they are, not for what they say..."
Foster talks about the fruit of solitude being the new freedom to be with people... and it suddenly rang true. The other day, I was describing to my dear mentor and spiritual guide Jenni how sometimes the glory of my time here is clouded by the impending Return date to Chicago. It brings with it an element of fear because I love it here SO much - and I dread that maybe the feeling of enjoying it is God telling me I am better off alone. Sometimes I am scared to fully embrace singleness & solitude because it means that perhaps I was meant for it - loving Alone confirms the always resonating voice whispering to my soul that I was created to be independent & solo - not needing anyone with me on the journey.
In some ways, my enjoyment of being alone is concurrently rooted in a fear of being alone... how that is possible??? I do not know.
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| The epic "Bridge of the Gods" leading from Oregon to Washington |
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| Arrows of direction. They led me along the Camino and also spotted along the PCT! |
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| Instead of Camino shells, the pine tree signposts were my guide. |
But what I realized on my hike is that I needed God to reveal the Desire within me to be with others - a desire I was afraid I had lost since being here. The true longing of my heart that has always been there and remains there - to see the beauty that comes from life together. I needed Him to give me the anticipation of emerging out of solitude into community, which is essentially life back in Chicago. He reminded my heart of His very near presence and how I was created to be with others - and not only created for it, but actually do want it.
The lie that life is better alone is not something I want to believe. So I am soaking in every ounce of solitary time not wanting to take it for granted while I am in the pines on the river, but I also know I will be ready to come back to Chicago when it is time in July. Ready to return with a new sense of gentleness and sincerity and love for people - that emerges from a season of being away.
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| Sleepy floathouses on the Wilamette |
Just some thoughts on yet another rainy Portland morning.
(So.much.rain. All this green comes at a cost... I am learning...)
I am loving your expanding perspective as it is being molded through this beautiful (still) new season. We were created for community and doing life with others. Whether it is romance that serves as a link or simply friendship. I also love how Foster gives words to the wise by quoting Bonhoeffer: "Let him who cannot be alone beware of community...Let him who is not in community beware of being alone...Each by itself has profound pitfalls and perils. One who wants fellowship without solitude plunges into the void of words and feelings, and one who seeks solitude without fellowship perishes in the abyss of vanity, self-infatuation, and despair."
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"Ready to return with a new sense of gentleness and sincerity and love for people - that emerges from a season of being away." That's so beautiful Rebes...I love your writing. That readiness is what I desired when returning from Rwanda but couldn't put it into words so perfectly like that...It's inspiring how you use your time away from people to re-engerize you to love people even more!!
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