optionS

Six years ago, I felt trapped against a wall with the impending timetable of college graduation on the calendar and the overwhelming scenario of making the right post-grad choice. Confronted with the plight of seeking out the most perfect opportunity to apply to and advance towards, I remained frozen in time and space, unable to move towards any single idea. It was at this exact moment that one of my dearest friend neighbors, Larry, introduced me to the art of having optionS. Plural. Not just one, but many choices on the docket with which to make a decision at future notice. With the idea of options, out went the pressure of channeling all effort toward the one best idea… I could simply cast wide my net and see what came to shore, then choose from there.

The heavenly shores of Captiva Island for Spring Break

This conversation was relatively life-changing for a fine-tuned researcher, planner, always-make-the-best-choice person like me. It is advice I have carried into most of my days and fall back on when life plans begin to shift. As a graduate student, my life is characterized by flexible timeframes and an open summer, which has brought the idea of options to the forefront yet again. Heeding this advice in yet another collegiate form of myself, I have recently applied to at least seven different opportunities for summer plans and post-graduate choices. While the idea of having more than one option was freeing in my earlier 20's, I am realizing that it has proved less than ideal in this stage of life.

Graduate life continues… with papers and timelines and coffee.

After living in Chicago for 3 1/2 years, I am finding that my roots go deep, my relationships are paramount, and the family I have in Chicago is worth everything. The cost of choosing one of these options is so much higher than it was before… it means sacrifice of comfort and security; it means giving up friendships to risk starting over; it is a question of where my career might start, instead of which adventure sounds most thrilling. So yet again, I find myself in the face of the unknown… Trying to choose the road of the least cost, simultaneously wrestling with the inner paradoxical desire to give up everything.

Friends that have become family in unexpected ways this year.

And in this time of praying and seeking advice and journaling and pro/con listing… I have realized there's simply no such thing as fully knowing the best of all the options. You can't. I might make a mistake, I might choose wrong, I might have regrets. But, as Brene Brown encourages, to live wholeheartedly is to run after the leading of your heart without any guarantees. The truth is, there's no way to know until you go. Until you take the first step and start moving in a direction - any direction - even when you're not completely sure it's the right direction.

Spring Breakers.

Last week on Spring Break, I read this:

"I wonder if this is why packing light scares us so much, because we aren't sure we'll get exactly what we want. We're scared to choose anything - a school, a job, a spouse - because choosing one thing means letting go of several others. But sometimes having limited options is a blessing. It makes it easier to choose our path, and choosing means we get to zoom in and enjoy our one, complicated, imperfect path, instead of trying to halfway entertain a bunch of others. No matter which school we pick, it won't be perfect. No matter who we marry, our spouse will have flaws. But choosing means jumping in and accepting that path for all of its triumphs and trials. It means letting go of other roads, but in the end, it's better than never choosing anything at all. In order to hold on to one thing, you have to let go of something else."

::Packing Light (Allison Vesterfelt)

The idea of optionS leads to a choice that inevitably trades one thing for the other… and that's where it turns difficult. There's no such thing as a perfect choice… mistakes will happen. And wrong choices are a natural part of life. But the act of choosing something is better than not choosing anything. So, I am moving forward with baby steps in each option right now, seeking it out as I gain clearer understanding of where it might lead. I admit fear of the unknown and surrender the perpetual attempt to control future plans, yet there's no way to know unless you jump in and risk. The process might feel unclear, but in hindsight it's always true that He works all together for good. That is the hope I live in, and the courage with which I move forward.

Taking steps.