A Greater Glory.

This past weekend, Ashley and I awoke to an eclectic mix of accents and wardrobes of people gathering in line in anticipation of staking claims on items sold underneath our very lily home. The harbinger for this Estate Sale came in the form of endless stock piles of rubber stamps, tin canisters, wooden pianos, and whitewashed furniture caged within the dark and slightly dilapidated walls of what we call "basement storage." Our basement, stacked from floor to ceiling with a surplus of Things has been the endless source of that exact last minute party item you might need; metal troughs to store party drinks, table runners for family dinners, window frame decor for movie nights… even an extra table leaf that now serves as my self-made closet shelf (shhhhh).

Things on the tables, Things on the floor… So many Things in the basement!

Over the past few weeks, it was clear through the daily removal of basement items and noticeable price tag postings that our lily motto of "don't go to the store, check the basement!" might soon dig its grave. And indeed, last Saturday proved to be the time we would wave goodbye to our party list reserves and laundry room basement gems. People appeared out of the woodwork for this sale with one goal in mind: more stuff.

Okay, so I walked away with one gem...

Lately, I am confronted with the pervasive necessity for sheer "stuff." We collect and arrange, need and then need more… We daydream "if only I have this…" and obsess over how our life would inevitably feel more full with that one awesome skirt from the window of J Crew. Understandably, I do not plead innocent in the desire to fill my life with things - after all, I left the sale with a swiveling, reclining desk chair that I'm convinced makes studying all the more possible. Yet I'm left wondering Why? What is human nature that is never satisfied, never left feeling we have enough? We pass on from this life leaving our things behind to be argued and picked over by total strangers at an Estate Sale... What is the point?!

Where life is at peace. In the wilderness. In a tent.
[Waupaca, WI. Fall 2013]

I find myself in the in-between state of knowing; I know I can live with very little, but I can't escape the pestering voice promising happiness in Jo's jeans and Anthropologie dresses. I want to return to the simplicity of living with less baggage, while knowing it means going to battle against a culture that constantly screams More. To do this, I need a reminder of how much I have, bringing me to a new realization of how little I need. I'm implementing slight lifestyle reminders so the hints of blessing rise to the surface and cover those empty holes of want.

The structural simplicity of this monastery orients one towards simplicity in Christ.

To be reminded that what I have is already more than enough, I am devoting my summer to running.

Since moving to Chicago, it has been a life dream to run the marathon. Each year, I imagined entering the registration, but it never cohesively aligned with my summer schedule as it intersected with travel and other plans. Each year I heard the testimonies from World Vision runners, watched the video, but couldn't take that step of commitment. With returned convictions of living life simply, it is clear that this year is it. I want to run to provide a lifetime supply of water for another in need; I want each run to be a reminder of living with less; I want to dedicate this summer to living by the anthem that He is enough for me, will meet all my needs, and will provide for others outside the narrow scope of life I witness in the day to day.

Promptings of freedom on the open road.

If I am truly committed to cleaning out and living simply and having less, I also must clear the clutter. So in May, I will be selling most of what I currently own. (That's right… those shoes that I will probably want to wear again in five years when I attend a black tie gala event on a cruise will have to be sold….) All proceeds from the sale will go directly to supporting the child I am running for with Team World Vision. The stuff that follows me around and knocks at my doorstep with Want will soon find itself within the hands of new owners. As I sell and run and give away and train, I want my life to honor this commitment and reflect a calling to serve others' needs before my own. Simplicity is a recurring theme that I return to… and this year I want to run after it with boldness and courage.

Picnics from a backpack next to the melodic splashing of a river. Wild and free.
[Camino de Santiago, 2013]

In January, I chose this verse to define 2014. The meaning is slowly revealing itself.

"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." 

:: 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 ::

< photo from Sanibel Island >

“May today there be peace within.

May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.

May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.

May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.

May you be content knowing that you are a child of God.

Let this presence settle into our bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, danse, praise and love. 

It is there for each and everyone of you.” 

:: Teresa of Avila

< my very favorite spiritual guide >

Days of Sun

Last week, we escaped the snow for some sun, and soaked up every ounce of natural rays our Chicago skin could handle.

Summer gear… it's been too long.

Beach cruisers and the coziest beach cottage there ever was.

Upon arrival, we kicked off our boots with glee and traded them for long-awaited sandals, a foreign feeling for these past many months. Our days were spent on bikes to the beach and long walks on the sand, consuming mass amounts of lime chips and salsa and ice-cream, and indulging in free reads for fun (not school). Nights were about margaritas on the patio, sunsets over the ocean, and listening to the breeze rustle through the palms as it coaxed us to sleep.

sunset kayak! sharks and dolphins spotted.

Jenni. My heart explodes with love for her.

Our only obligatory scheduled event: the sunset.

Although I share the title of Honorary Terrill Family Member with many others because of the hospitable manner in which this dear family welcomes others in, I always feel uniquely special joining them for any amount of time. Game nights, and Bachelor watch parties; walks and soul talks… I am forever thankful for this family and their provided respite away from winter to bring rejuvenation to my soul. Thank you Jenni and Tom (and Kate… even though you are in Germany!) for the ways you naturally invite others into your life with open arms, generosity, and endless kindness.

Bubble Room cake on the road… Can't leave the island without it!

Needless to say… returning to Chicago on Friday proved less than ideal... but it's looking like we might survive. Even if it did snow on the first day of spring today.

Snow… won't you please just go away. Please.

optionS

Six years ago, I felt trapped against a wall with the impending timetable of college graduation on the calendar and the overwhelming scenario of making the right post-grad choice. Confronted with the plight of seeking out the most perfect opportunity to apply to and advance towards, I remained frozen in time and space, unable to move towards any single idea. It was at this exact moment that one of my dearest friend neighbors, Larry, introduced me to the art of having optionS. Plural. Not just one, but many choices on the docket with which to make a decision at future notice. With the idea of options, out went the pressure of channeling all effort toward the one best idea… I could simply cast wide my net and see what came to shore, then choose from there.

The heavenly shores of Captiva Island for Spring Break

This conversation was relatively life-changing for a fine-tuned researcher, planner, always-make-the-best-choice person like me. It is advice I have carried into most of my days and fall back on when life plans begin to shift. As a graduate student, my life is characterized by flexible timeframes and an open summer, which has brought the idea of options to the forefront yet again. Heeding this advice in yet another collegiate form of myself, I have recently applied to at least seven different opportunities for summer plans and post-graduate choices. While the idea of having more than one option was freeing in my earlier 20's, I am realizing that it has proved less than ideal in this stage of life.

Graduate life continues… with papers and timelines and coffee.

After living in Chicago for 3 1/2 years, I am finding that my roots go deep, my relationships are paramount, and the family I have in Chicago is worth everything. The cost of choosing one of these options is so much higher than it was before… it means sacrifice of comfort and security; it means giving up friendships to risk starting over; it is a question of where my career might start, instead of which adventure sounds most thrilling. So yet again, I find myself in the face of the unknown… Trying to choose the road of the least cost, simultaneously wrestling with the inner paradoxical desire to give up everything.

Friends that have become family in unexpected ways this year.

And in this time of praying and seeking advice and journaling and pro/con listing… I have realized there's simply no such thing as fully knowing the best of all the options. You can't. I might make a mistake, I might choose wrong, I might have regrets. But, as Brene Brown encourages, to live wholeheartedly is to run after the leading of your heart without any guarantees. The truth is, there's no way to know until you go. Until you take the first step and start moving in a direction - any direction - even when you're not completely sure it's the right direction.

Spring Breakers.

Last week on Spring Break, I read this:

"I wonder if this is why packing light scares us so much, because we aren't sure we'll get exactly what we want. We're scared to choose anything - a school, a job, a spouse - because choosing one thing means letting go of several others. But sometimes having limited options is a blessing. It makes it easier to choose our path, and choosing means we get to zoom in and enjoy our one, complicated, imperfect path, instead of trying to halfway entertain a bunch of others. No matter which school we pick, it won't be perfect. No matter who we marry, our spouse will have flaws. But choosing means jumping in and accepting that path for all of its triumphs and trials. It means letting go of other roads, but in the end, it's better than never choosing anything at all. In order to hold on to one thing, you have to let go of something else."

::Packing Light (Allison Vesterfelt)

The idea of optionS leads to a choice that inevitably trades one thing for the other… and that's where it turns difficult. There's no such thing as a perfect choice… mistakes will happen. And wrong choices are a natural part of life. But the act of choosing something is better than not choosing anything. So, I am moving forward with baby steps in each option right now, seeking it out as I gain clearer understanding of where it might lead. I admit fear of the unknown and surrender the perpetual attempt to control future plans, yet there's no way to know unless you jump in and risk. The process might feel unclear, but in hindsight it's always true that He works all together for good. That is the hope I live in, and the courage with which I move forward.

Taking steps.