Within the obvious feels that have descended upon us this year - loss of control, grief, isolation - there has also come an immense sense of loneliness. Although our "Family Pod" here in San Diego meets up fairly often - perhaps just as often as those "pre-Covid" days - what I am experiencing is the loss of normalcy within social outings. The feeling of options in which I would normally be seeing people - even if strangers - brings a sense of Alone. Last year this time, I was regularly going to the YMCA for a two-hour break from Jack, libraries and Trader Joes, baby storytime, Mom Group, church, and meeting new moms at the park and beach. It felt like everywhere I went, people struck up conversation regarding Jack's red hair or the newest neighborhood gossip. All these things are feel off-limits in a way; an impossible future that I miss as though it will never exist.
2020 has brought about a collective grief we are all managing in our own way - the moments and places, and perhaps people - that 2020 has stolen from us. The trips cancelled, anniversaries and birthdays left uncelebrated, and the New Normal we are forced to live into.
I am taking this moment to acknowledge that of course, I am so richly blessed, so deeply grateful, and so greatly privileged. But I have found that it is not Either-Or; in fact it is Both-And. I can be all these things, and still be lonely. I can be so thankful for days with my boys, but also feel overwhelmed and unfulfilled. If 2020 has taught me anything, it is the co-existence of the feeling of loss dancing with the feeling of thankfulness.
On the heels of a pandemic, confronting a broken racist system, the anxieties that come with an election - it is no surprise that what we are facing right now brings us to a place where we are forced to look inward. Long gone are the sold-out toilet paper, Tiger King, peaceful quarantine days - what we live in now is the the brokenness 2020 has created and how to move forward in our world in a more loving, kind, gracious way. I believe we can, but it will take time.
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Park days with my boys
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| Some photos we got taken for our Christmas Card |
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Our little musician with Uncle D
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Pumpkin Patch in Julian
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Little Ford man - this summer
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| What most of life looks like these days |
