He Will Always Be My Favorite

From Easter 2017.

MX: in Photos

Four months into marriage, a question I receive quite regularly is "How is married life?" While there are a spectrum of ways in which I could respond to this question, the thing I like most about marriage is how natural it feels to live with my best friend. All the years prior to meeting Ben and creating homes with roommates prepped me for life right here with him. In some ways, it feels that we have always lived together - but in other ways the reminder of our short-lived year-and-a-half of knowing each other reveals itself in new discoveries of Ben daily.

Life feels rooted and calm; it feels just right where it is now in our home together on Adams Ave. On Sunday, after sampling all the spreads and juices at the Farmer's Market, we purchased cheese & fruit on our bikes and headed to the park with blankets, a bottle of rosé, and cards. We lounged there as the sun faded behind the clouds, playing one-on-one Monopoly Deal, and Facetiming with Michael and Jill. The sweet summer air, the light & airy feeling of the weekend, and the togetherness connection with Ben... Everything felt perfect.

Sometimes, when times are good, a creeping fear occurs telling me to prepare for the worst because the good can't last; as if the good is merely a tease for what lies ahead. While I know life only gets better - and hardship + heartbreak is essentially how we grow to becoming fully human - I also have this desire to freeze time within the goodness of the full life and never let it go. In these moments, life feels fleeting and fast; as if the good slips through my fingers so that I am left feeling that maybe I used it all up.

When my heart settles in what lies ahead, excitement rises within me - but if I'm honest, there is also an unsettling unknowing that brings fear. The fear I wrestle with is rooted in the experiences of my past - anxiety regarding abandonment and my personal pressure to strive to be better - the false notion that happy families aren't forever because something bad looms around the corner and that good turns to worst in the blink of an eye if you're not careful. I am thankful for safe places over the years to explore these fears within counseling and mentorship, and through Ben providing a place for me to be honest about the hidden places of my heart. I am often reminded of the picture God gives us of a godly woman "clothed with dignity and strength and able to laugh at the days to come" (Proverbs 31:25). When these fears present themselves, there is always the choice to choose Truth. God's promises for me are not for comfort and an easy life; His promise is that He is always WITH me - to the end of the age. Can I trust that no matter what I walk through - beautiful or difficult - that Him with me is enough?

It is so apparent how He gives me that picture through Ben - soaking up the precious golden moments of our days together, knowing that whatever we walk through will never be too much. Ben stands beside me as my rock and my anchor, reminding me of the constancy of the God who never leaves or walks away - who never gives up on me or decides I'm too much for Him. The God who is patient, unconditionally loving, and empathetic in times of need. The God who gives these times for Ben and I to have together, building our foundation in Him and simply enjoying all the best parts of life as newlyweds...  memories of life and love and reminders to look ahead with laughter for all that is to come because no matter what, God's goodness endures. He permeates every aspect of our lives so that our souls can be at rest in Faith. He is with us. There is no fear in this kind of love; the love of God that saturates marriage; this love that I am learning to know and accept most intimately. This love for which I am the most grateful.

Summer, So Far

In the wake Instagram Stories and immediate posts to social media, I have realized that I am taking less photos now than I used to. Good thing Instagram saves all my posts or I would have no record of my memories! Here are a few from life lately as summer begins!

The Challenge to Grow

Lately, I am asking myself where am I being challenged to grow?

Sure - in my new roles as adjunct faculty teaching at PLNU, being a wife to Benjamin, trying to be a good friend from afar to those I love back in Chicago, establishing new rhythms in married life... I am required to step up to these new positions I find myself in.

But deep within, am I seeking growth in Christ? Am I living out the Gospel that He calls me to today? Who are the people I am influencing and how am I discipling God's truth?

San Diego is an amazing place to live, but it exists on the fringe of comfort and complacency. I never want to find myself in these categories - I want to live adventure and risk and freedom. I am prone to settle into routine - a battle I need to fight.

My inspiration is sourced from exploring the world around me, literature, and observations of life. This weekend, we head to Cabo and I dream of settling by the ocean with a pen and paper; some time to check-in with my dedication to seeking inspiration.

Am I living the story I want to write?!

The Meaning of Rest

My brother thinks I am secretly a part-time social event planner as I work my day job – and maybe that carries more truth to it than I tend to give credit. When my mind wanders, it thinks about the next steps – starting with how to make a weekend beach day more epic, or my next reason to throw a party, or that unexplored happy hour or hole-in-the-wall dinner date destination… it eventually moves onto my career goals and family goals, my dream home and dream vacation, my hopes with how to love Ben better and what I can do today to make that happen. The future doesn’t bring hesitancy or discouragement, it brings excitement and a deeply lodged feeling of anticipation for all that is to come.

My only fear is that the future takes me away from the present.

Sharing life with friends here in San Diego is one of the greatest gifts, and lately I’ve noticed the conversation starters have turned to new topics. Besides the oldies but goodies – the best cocktail in town or hikes around SD or latest fashion trend, we talk about something I have never considered until recently… real estate. It’s no secret that buying a home here in SD is unchartered territory amongst my friends – the housing market seems to be an untapped entity reserved only for the elite… yet it simultaneously seems like the most natural next step in most of our lives. It’s as though we cannot suppress the human inclination to long for whatever is Next… except for when that next thing happens to be of celebrity-status and completely unattainable in this season of life.

While it’s true that contentment is not defined by the circumstances in which we find ourselves, it is also true that we derive the feeling of contentment through assessing our life moving towards the goals and desires we have planned. I have learned that contentment comes when you wake up each morning acknowledging that whether or not you have that thing you want most, that relationship or job or house or pair of jeans, God is enough and that what He gives is enough. Contentment comes from gratitude. It comes from saying thank you, God, for what You have given me, whether it is what I think I want or not. It is looking to the Have’s instead of the Have-Nots. It is finding in yourself a joy that is insuppressible because it comes from God.

I am wired to want the Next in order to make me content. “If only I had...” is the dangerous mantra that tempts me daily. Today I can say that I am truly content with everything I have, everything I am, and everything I someday want, because I do not lack in anything in Christ. I am reminded of His gifts, especially the greatest gift of His Love. Because in His love, I experience how to love others, know the love of Ben, and pour out to my neighbors. It is His Love that brings life to the full – it is not anything else.

I know it’s probably the Newlywed Bliss talking, but I want to freeze-frame these days and nights to capture all the goodness so that I can revisit it over and over again. Being Ben’s wife is a calling I am fulfilling; the role of his partner and teammate to cheer him on, adventure alongside him, and do the normal things like make dinner, watch TV, brush our teeth, and say goodnight. How lucky I am to be the recipient of his love, and to get to love him in return.

I am reading through Hebrews, and I recently came across this verse in 4:1-2: Therefore, since a promise remains of entering His rest, let us fear lest any of you seem to have come short of it. For indeed the gospel was preached to us as well as to them; but the word which they heard did not profit them, not being mixed with faith in those who heard it.

The word “rest” in this context stood out to me – the idea throughout Hebrews is that rest is entered through faith. Unbelief will make us fall short of the rest God has for us because it leaves us on a constant search towards answers, identity, and unfulfilled promises. Receiving His Rest means that our souls can be at peace because everything written about Christ and life in Him, is true. We don’t have to wonder about purpose, seek fulfillment, fear death, or fulfill human longings with temporal highs.

While rest and contentment are different, they carry similarities. I am at rest because of who I am in Christ and what He did for me on the Cross. I am content because I get to live out His gifts and notice His imprint on my life. His love is tangible and real – it is a love I hope everyone to know because the intimacy, unconditionality, and reward of it is unlike anything else. This love I know to even greater depths because of Ben, and that’s why I sense a contentment and a rest in this season that is unlike others. Though I have long known the love of Christ, I now experience a new joy, beauty, and peace in it because of God’s love in Ben.

I am thankful that I can find all my delight in Him because it makes everything in the day-to-day feel like a gift to be discovered instead of a burden to bear. God gave me Ben to know His love, and fulfillment of His promise puts my soul at true rest.

Just Some Dreams

One thing I love about the Degree Completion demographic in the field of Higher Education is watching adult students take the next best step leading them to achieving their dreams. While they usually hesitate with questions in the interview process regarding their academic journey or their heroes in life; they do not skip a beat when it comes to verbalizing their dreams. They know their dreams; that’s why they’re here.

This past weekend in Palm Springs, in between gin & tonics and nachos by the pool, a group of best friends sat around in the sun as this topic rose to the surface. What are your dreams? While I can go around and guess many of my friends’ desires and hopes, there exist dreams stored up I never could’ve articulated. And if there’s one thing that inspires me most – it’s listening to where one’s heart beats to a longing God placed uniquely within their spirit, and how He designed them to do something specific.

Listening to the imprint of God in others’ lives is what I was created to do; and it’s my dream to do more of this in a setting that allows for it someday. I hope to funnel my commitment to journey and transformation into a book; I hope to build a home founded on a healthy marriage so that our children would know us as a place of safety and forgiveness and unconditional love because of Jesus; I hope to teach college students and pour into their lives, and to pursue a Phd that speaks to my gifts and strengths. I hope to make an impact on at least a few lives, because I know that it’s through each person that change is brought to our world. I hope to create more memories alongside my favorite people that lead to that feeling of nostalgia, propelling even more adventures in the sunset and sunrise moments; in the roadtrips and hikes and days spent flying kites in the sun. I hope to be a home of hospitality, where others trod in and out to find refuge and rest and retreat; where people are invited and heard and welcomed even if they’re a stranger. Maybe someday I’ll be a wise old woman in our neighborhood alongside my wise old husband (who will no doubt be either a mapmaker or tour guide in his retirement), sipping tea and tending to the garden and reading at the local library and making trips across the world to care for the unnoticed and unheard. At the end of my life, I hope that it can be said that I loved my husband and my family and my community the very best that I could – and that this love came from God.  These are the dreams I seek and long after. These are the dreams that get my heart stirring and keep me up at night. These are the dreams that unravel so many other dreams and lead me to being present where I am. Because I know that today is not lived in a vacuum – it adds up to tomorrow and the next day and ever so slowly becomes the forever. These are the dreams that live at the surface of all I do – and I want to know that I am moving towards these things as I am faithful to where God has me right now.

The Courage to Start Again

The wedding plans have now subsided and the rhythm of life with Benjamin feels a rooted sense of constancy and stability that comes with each day alongside your forever person. Because I know life only seems to get busier, I realize there’s no perfect time to uncover what remains of that silly master’s thesis of mine (that tiny last piece of my diploma that got tossed to the wayside when I accepted a teaching job in San Diego, packed up my car and said goodbye to Chicago, fell in love with B, transitioned to a new job, got engaged, then planned a wedding… Oops.)

Despite the few years between when I finished coursework at Wheaton and now, I feel that there’s no better time than this to re-open myself to the world of pilgrimage. It has, in fact, been a pilgrimage to write this lingering paper. Ben – in his supportive and encouraging ways – has selflessly volunteered to play basketball on Tuesday nights so that I can have time and space to write and finish. When I tried to convince him that I can in fact focus when he’s there, he reminded me of the many times I have articulated the same thing, which resulted in snuggling him and taking a nap. To his credit, he’s right.

After taking a break from the voices interacting in my Review of Literature, it feels like a homecoming in a way to return to it. I would like to use this paper as a catalyst to a book brewing in the recesses of my mind someday… and it feels exciting to re-enter this world that I have deserted for so long.

With fresh eyes, I am taking the next best step to finish… Gathering up resources from PLNU library (very thankful to have access to it!), and starting on an outline for the application of my thesis to a context (pilgrimage route). What has paralyzed me in the past is questioning what I have to offer this world… What unique words and experiences do I truly bring to a topic of so much history? I wrestle with these questions and realize it’s not the point. Taking the next best step is – and it is always worth it.

Last Night With The Italians

Upon hearing our most beloved Buona Forchetta was opening a Liberty Station location, we were immediately calendaring the opening and planning to go on Wednesday. That is, until Suzy texted me with the “name on the list” soft opening invite on Monday. Since I was already working an Info event at Liberty Station (plus drooling over google images of pizza), it worked out perfectly to go.

We arrived after my event – walking in during that perfect window of time where the fringe friends clear out, leaving the extended Italian family who seem like they flew directly from the shores of Sicily with gelato and bottles of vino. We stepped into a scene that could be based in Rome – pizzas slung out of the oven within minutes; slices of mozzarella and ciabatta perched up on corners of the room, served with greetings of kisses on the cheeks and exchanged “gratzies” reverberating through hugs within circles of slicked hair and long suit coats; risotto dished up on plates with fresh meatballs adorning the top, children creeping in between adults and given priority for being second cousins of the owner. I attempted to vibe my 25% Italian heritage and reciting of “mangia mangia!” in valiant effort to chameleon with the locals, but when Ben was met with a scowl after ordering an Old Fashioned at the bar; it quickly gave us away. This is Chianti country, after all.

We helped ourselves to seconds and thirds and fourths of chocolate coated ricotta cream puffs intermixed with lingering pepperoni pizza slices and three-cheese pasta dishes. We left our glimpse of Italy with bellies full and hearts content and even more determination to get there someday soon.  

Don't Want to Forget

I have lived in a world this past week of fleeting moments that are filled to the brim with such gratitude that I want to bottle them up and store them forever in that “Don’t Ever Forget” part of my brain. Even without storing them, I know these will always remain from the best day of my entire life.

Moments such as your best girlfriends flying across the country, arriving to your doorstep with hugs and peonies and dark chocolate and letters of love; creating sacred space at our rehearsal dinner for edifying words, flowing wine, and a room full of your 50 most favorite people; waking up with such joy and a brand-new-never-thought-of-before thought: “it’s my wedding day today;” prayer and coffee and a deep sense of feeling like you’re watching a movie and living a future dream of your life that never felt like it could come true; cameras pointed at me because I’m not the bridesmaid, but the bride; knees shaking with complete excitement to meet my groom in a garden; eyes welling up with tears as I hugged my mom and realized that it’s my wedding day; seeing Ben for the first time, radiant love too hard to contain; waiting in the back of the garden, watching Ben over the wall and hearing the harmonies of “Be Thou My Vision” fall amidst the most intimate garden; rainfall and umbrellas over exchanged vows; glimpses at my best girls standing beside me at the altar just as they do in life; celebrating having a husband, being a wife, and the rush of emotion that comes with those titles; running off to the beach to steal a few hues of sunset and some kisses with my now husband; a white wedding skirt covered in mud throughout the entirety of the evening and not caring at all; announcement as husband and wife to a candlelit tent of friends not strangers; dinner and toasts and ice-cream cookies and cake cutting and dancing and hugs and suddenly it’s our last song and we’re running away from our wedding… everything feeling way too short and that it’s an impossible task to truly savor it all.

A wedding – the most joyful celebration of us coming together as one. I can honestly say I have never been happier in my entire life than in these moments. And I can’t imagine it being any different – God had the day planned out from beginning to end, rain and all. The lighting, the friends, the joy, the smiles. It’s all His. My prayer is that He would be Our Vision… in the good and the difficult…. that it would be Him others see, and not us. I pray that we would minister to others better together than apart, and that He would use us to not only love one another well, but love others well with His love. That God would do His work through us – that’s what it’s all about. That’s what a wedding is about – and now we have the rest of our lives to do that very thing together. I can’t imagine life without Benjamin by my side and now we return to real life together. I don’t care if I’m still honeymooning over here – I will honeymoon as long as I possibly can… you only get one.

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