The Choices We Make

A common theme here is that time is running out; or time is speeding by; or time is simply too scarce. I have been challenged lately to consider what it means to make time for something vs. the excuse of "not having" time.

Spontaneous trip to Mexico for tacos on Friday :)

While the amount of hours in a day remain consistent, we choose how we prioritize each minute. Sometimes this means saying yes to the friend you haven't seen in a few weeks or agreeing to a group hangout, even when you feel tired or lack energy. It always seems worth it at the end of the day to say Yes to people you love.

Mexico... My dreamland

But there are other times that I know my own level of sanity and know that I need to say No... no matter how badly I want to say yes. I need to simply Be - with my thoughts and my wonderings - with the questions and goals and life plans - with a shower and early bedtime. The dance between Yes and No is how we demonstrate our values; it's how we show that what we say lines up with what we do - and it's in those decisions that our life plays out.

This place.... All the heart eyes.

One of the reasons I moved to San Diego is to be near the water... But I realized in those first few months of living here that life is still life - there were weeks when I didn't even see the ocean at all (exception: my drive to work...) I claimed I didn't have time or that life was too busy... But when it came down to it, my love for nature was simply not a priority. My new year's resolution was to make more time for beauty - and since the beginning of 2016 (& meeting Benjamin ;)) I can honestly say that I have enjoyed more sunsets and beach days and sandy strolls than ever before.

1000 Steps Beach

We truly do make time for the things that are important to us... and our choices each day reflect who we are; our attitude and values and level of importance. It seems that there is never the right time for the things we want to do - a thesis or relationship or traveling (or sleep...?!) - which is why we simply have to let life happen sometimes - prioritizing the things we love and making time for the things we don't always love.

Because we DO have the time, the question lies in how we use it.

Waiting for Beauty

After an eye-opening trip to Costco with Benjamin the other day, we loaded groceries and parted ways to meet at his home. Although I left a few minutes after him, I proudly waved my Finish Line banner as he pulled into the drive 5 minutes after me. Between stairs and unloading boxes, we chatted  regarding our drive home route. While I wove between lines of cars on the freeway, he took the classic Highway 101 - the epitome of California in every way, with the sun setting as he drove directly next to the ocean. Although I arrived faster, I had no report of ocean views or those soft sunset colors.

There's nothing like a drive home from Costco to highlight my efficiency-minded, on-the-go attitude towards life these days that trades beauty for rapid pace; that looks ahead at the horizon while passing by the ocean. I am so focused on achieving the victory and arriving at the destination that I miss the moments to invite beauty into my everyday life. I save the recognition of the Wonderful and the delight in the Lovely for vacations, the moments that give me no other choice but to marvel and be in God's creation. The addictive nature of travel is that we reserve the Away for recognition of beauty Here.

I am challenged to slow down my pace, breathe a little deeper, and perhaps choose the slower way home for glimpses of the waves. The option to pause at the ocean is one I want to receive as a gift this year, so that when I look back, I don't see the grind of the early morning commute or those sleepy struggling eyes, rather I remember sitting in the beauty offered to me each day and how those small, yet significant moments gave me a chance to return to what matters and be filled by God in order to direct my gaze towards Him.

One Thing I Am Learning

I've always had an idea of love - from the general musings of friends - that it's a daily choice; one to work for and try hard at, one that takes time and practice and discipline and intention. While there's no doubt all these angles are true- they have also slanted my idea of love. I have wondered and imagined what love might feel like - cringing at the idea of being forced to make such a difficult decision in life... hoping that maybe I would have the wisdom to make the right choice at the right time.

But when it comes to real love, the kind that comes when you see God alive in another human, the kind that gives without running out and challenges you to be better, I realize that "the choice" is not really a choice at all. It is more of a fact, a realization, a knowing. One that seems so obvious that to stand away from it would be denying truth itself.

In this way, I am now just beginning to peer over the surface of how deep God's love is for me... how unconditional and real and clear it is.

This is the evidence I know it's real... if it draws me deeper into Him, then that's the whole point.

How gracious and good of Him to give me this gift.

It is Him who is Great

Watching the sunset at San Clemente Beach

Waking up in a sunshine laden room with a whole day of freedom in front of me is a distant dream that has recently floated far from reality. But today is Spring Break, and today I remember Christ as I walk through the beauty of CA and reflect on His unconditional love for me - to bring me here, to make me a life, and to allow it to be better than I ever imagined. Taking time to be with that Truth has not been a priority of mine - life has been too filled up. It has been split between friends here & there - keeping in touch from afar while striving for presence. Time invested in a man who somehow manages to make every minute of sunsets and coffee and walks and cooking just that much better. So many hours with seven year olds - draining and fulfilling at the same time - the push and pull between weekdays and weekends; holidays and approaching summer. So today is my day to circle back and parcel through and try to wrap my mind around the events in this washing machine of life happening faster than I can keep up with.

Hometown Visit! Classic Bean shot.

City Walks

I have been thinking about beauty - how beauty has a way of drawing us to the Creator. Matt Chandler says that the non-believer can be in awe of the beautiful things in life - the ocean and mountains and intimacy with another human; but the believer experiences those things at a greater level - Christ alone magnifies that which He created. He brings purpose and He brings a deeper satisfaction in beauty. Without Him, those things are great - but they are also empty. This has been my experience lately - with God's presence, all the details of life become an adventure. God defeats boredom because He illuminates the mundane and replaces it with beauty. There is nothing like a roadtrip through the Midwest to show this. For the outsider, cornfields and 30 degrees and a horizon for days might seem worthless. After all - why would one ever leave California for Spring Break?! Because God has a way of seaming together all things - when He is at the center, relationships sense the undertone of something greater at work. A mysterious depth that causes me to be so drawn to another person because I see the work of Christ in their heart.

Visiting my dearest friends Jenny/Andrew forces a return to what I know and who I am and where I am going. Introducing Benjamin to the closest parts of my heart - my city, home, best friends - has changed the way I am with Him. God allows the fear of vulnerability to be broken down... and honesty to spring forth in a way that forms intimacy and the purest of love. How great of God to give me these gifts... and as I experience them, I am reminded that any hint of them being great is simply because He is in them.

These friends in Dayton I so dearly love.

The Blue Wall; aka: location of Murray's finest meltdown

So many good memories... and the best is yet to come!

These Girls

Love these Chitown sista so much!

My heart almost exploded this past weekend when I was picked up by Ash at the airport [in unplanned matching outfits...] then entered into a room full of my favorite Chicago gals. We cozied up in our socks and sweatshirts as random snippets of life pinged through the air... ten thousand conversations at once - as girls do - about jobs and boys and weddings and heartbreak and God and church and community and Chicago and moving and future. Words strung together wrapped in the constant theme of Change.

Arrived from the airport to this!
Bunkbeds and pillow talk....

This group of women have prayed for me and fought for me; their faith is deep and it is real. They push me to be myself; and I often believe it is in this circle that I am my truest self; accepted fully and completely as I am. It is a Come As You Are type of friendship; one that I didn't believe could exist until it one day it did. 

SO much heart talk with my dearest Britt

That night, Ash and I shared a deflated air mattress on the hardwood floor of the main room, where we were awakened by streaming sunlight and pattering feet towards the coffeepot, but none of those things mattered. What mattered is that we were together. And nothing else.

What I'm Learning

My tendency is to run from people once I get close; at that point when it starts to feel like I'm jumping off a cliff and risking the free-fall moment when our sense of fear screams at us to turn back. That moment when my insides feel exposed and tell me to flee from showing any hint of the dark and dirty corners of my heart. Revealing fears & insecurities & unhealthy patterns is not easy, it is in fact the exact vulnerability I run from, and often doubt I am capable of entering.

It has only been six weeks - but six weeks of sunsets and wine and weekend trips and concerts and cocktails and tacos and movie nights and podcasts and hikes and pizza and brunch and pool days and margaritas... Six weeks of beach walks and game nights and moonlight escapes... My fear begins to dissipate in a most unexpected way. When you know the person across from you is For You, celebrating your triumphs and pushing you towards your dreams, patiently attending to your needs and enjoying the simplicity of being by your side... Every ounce of the vulnerability suddenly seems worth it.

No matter what happens, I am thankful for this time... To grow with someone and experience the overwhelming beauty of life alongside him. There's truly  nothing like it and I would repeat these six weeks over 100+ times...

The M-F

Getting my coffee this morning, I was nothing but smiles and thank-you's. The barista cheerfully responded: "It's 6:30am and everyone's so happy. Probably because it's Friday." It's true, waking up on Friday with the weekend peeking just around the corner is one of the best ways to wake-up. And finding two new Serial episodes updated on the podcast on the way to work feels like Christmas.

Today, there's just a little extra happiness to go around.

Even though the weekend feels like such a relief, I don't feel the burden of Monday thru Friday like I used to back in Chicago. My life consisted of merely managing the weekdays - a daily pummel through the wind and cold - a fight to get to a time when life would feel easy, when getting out of bed with feet on a freezing floor wouldn't be the worst part of my day. But here, each day feels full. Breathing in the sunshine, serenaded by birds through the window as coffee brews in the morning, stepping out for a walk in the middle of the day, tilting my head up to the sun at Recess... there is life to be found in each and every moment. Sunrises awaken, sunsets bring closure. The gentle rhythm of nature allows the day to flow in a way that brings delight, enjoyment, and such obvious gratitude.

Today is Friday and I look forward to a beach day tomorrow, tacos tonight, a run in the park early tomorrow. However, next week I also look forward to after-work sunsets, happy hours, windows open, ocean pauses, and daily hugs from First Graders that seem more than abundant.

Each and every day carries a gift; filled to the brim with beauty.
And I know it's true - I couldn't be happier anywhere else but here.

Sunsets

There is nothing like beauty so obvious that you have no choice but to stop and marvel at it... Drink it in and choose to say No to whatever pressing item is on your mind. In achieving one of my New Year's resolutions - watch more sunsets - I have become addicted to watching the colors of the sky transform and organizing my evening schedule around this natural bookend to the day... the closure to the sun and invitation to the moon creates a stillness and deep rest in life I didn't know possible. This rhythm has become so much a part of me, I'm not sure what I did without it.

From the Cristo mountain in Baja this weekend :)

Mexico is underrated

When it came down to making the choice to move here from Chicago, I tossed around the question of what inspires me... and found that my answer is God's Creation. Living in a city of snow, where it is the norm to be indoors half the year, I came to understand that I lived most of my days fighting the cold shivered to the bone and uninspired by my surroundings. It is both a gift and privilege to make a choice to live differently... to fight comfort and routine and step out west into the unknown. 

Sunset Cliffs yesterday with Betsy

Although the initial change feels euphoric, what follows is simply life- laundry and groceries and cleaning and finances and questions about the future. It's true - no matter where you are, life picks up and You are still You. Even when the sunset beckons across the bay, there are lists to be completed, meals to be made, and errands to run. Creating new habits from old routines is not easy, no matter where you are. But I have found that stopping to watch the sunset brings a certain peace into my life that makes everything else doable. It brings to mind these words I read years ago "beauty can be crushing at times, can't it??" (Rob Bell).

To Be Real

There is something about living in California that has brought a return to my wonder for the beauty in the day.

The colors that paint the sky are so soft... I linger in the nostalgia of those carefree, youthful days when it seemed the miracle of pink across the sky was enough. Watching others in front of the ocean brings reminders of how finite we are, how the large world beckons us towards exploration, while fear draws us back to comfort. The push-and-pull of desire freezes me into a state of curiosity... What holds me back and how do I overcome it? Experience speaks to me like a lingering ex-boyfriend, I would rather have an idea instead of the reality. 

These reflections bring a strength in vulnerability, a power that sets me free from Who I Want To Be into Who I Am. California bids me to come and bring my full attention to the moment, come and Be: be in the swaying palms, the slower pace, the ocean tide... Be in the sand on feet, sunset walks, butterfly stomach. Be in the winter escape, the days on the beach, the strolls through Balboa. Just come, drink in this landscape and let it naturally set a rhythm for my day, let it shape my thoughts, let it help me settle into who I am. 

The question is - Can I let go and let it change me for the better? Can I step into this new way of life and simply enjoy it for now without thinking of the next? Can I pause my constant judgements about what I'm doing or where I'm headed - the placing of value on each and every decision - the doubt and worry and anxiety that happens when I look back. The tension of living between wanting to grow yet wanting to hold on is a thick tension, a pendulum swing between the extremes of being human. 

My prayer is that God would help me let go... Would He show me His Grace so that I may walk in His freedom. I want to be here, right now... I want to dig into those shadows so that I may breathe in His light. Because it is there that His plans are illuminated, and I so clearly see how He works ALL things together for Good. He does, He has, and He will. That is the truth I cling to today.

Do What You Love

Ever since graduating college, this [often overused] phrase "do what you love" has rung repeated cycles in my head... I want to be the kind of person who seeks out what I love and passionately pursues it, but I feel so defeated in my attempts to do this. It even sometimes brings a tinge of guilt into moments when I am not loving what I'm doing... and then I wonder why I am wasting my time and energy on that which I don't enjoy. Life is too short, right??? Maybe part of the problem is realizing that it is hard to make a career from what I love: travel, writing, the ocean, people, coffee, wine...

These sunsets... Can't get enough of them!

A weekend in Lake Arrowhead with our church is good for the soul

So, if I can't make a career out of these things, I need to be intentional about pursuing them outside of my 8 hour days spent with 20 high-pitched children in a four-walled classroom. Although the ocean gently laps next to me each morning on my drive to work, I rarely take the time to sit and breathe it in; to ponder at its might and rest in its stillness. Though I have coffee brewing for me in the morning, I use it with medicinal purposes, forcing the caffeine into my bloodstream in order to open my foggy eyes. One of my best friends, Betsy, has a favorite quote that often echoes for me during times like these: "How you live your day is how you live your life." If I say Yes to every opportunity to make plans with people and am so quick to rush off to the next event, then my days are spent in a hurry - and my life rushes by. I realize that I need to create space to spend time doing the things that actually replenish my soul and bring me life.

We live for our Saturday Beach Days

Unreal sunset in Mexico

I've started running in the mornings again - a daily habit I used to keep in Chicago that seemed impossible with my early school time here. But, anything is possible when you make time for it :) (even when it means a 4:45am wake-up call...) After work, I sometimes walk by the ocean, or grab a coffee and read. I want to see as many sunsets as I possibly can- a task that is doable. I am carving out moments to write more, even when I don't feel inspired. There is never the perfect time to pursue passions... there is always distractions, fear, and other plans to be made. As a teacher, I long for the summer months of freedom and constantly countdown to the three day weekends sprinkled throughout the year. But I don't want to live my life longing for the future. If I want to invite these things into my days, the time to do so is right now.

Sunrise hike on Cowles Mountain

Coffee... Coffee... More coffee please