It is Him who is Great

Watching the sunset at San Clemente Beach

Waking up in a sunshine laden room with a whole day of freedom in front of me is a distant dream that has recently floated far from reality. But today is Spring Break, and today I remember Christ as I walk through the beauty of CA and reflect on His unconditional love for me - to bring me here, to make me a life, and to allow it to be better than I ever imagined. Taking time to be with that Truth has not been a priority of mine - life has been too filled up. It has been split between friends here & there - keeping in touch from afar while striving for presence. Time invested in a man who somehow manages to make every minute of sunsets and coffee and walks and cooking just that much better. So many hours with seven year olds - draining and fulfilling at the same time - the push and pull between weekdays and weekends; holidays and approaching summer. So today is my day to circle back and parcel through and try to wrap my mind around the events in this washing machine of life happening faster than I can keep up with.

Hometown Visit! Classic Bean shot.

City Walks

I have been thinking about beauty - how beauty has a way of drawing us to the Creator. Matt Chandler says that the non-believer can be in awe of the beautiful things in life - the ocean and mountains and intimacy with another human; but the believer experiences those things at a greater level - Christ alone magnifies that which He created. He brings purpose and He brings a deeper satisfaction in beauty. Without Him, those things are great - but they are also empty. This has been my experience lately - with God's presence, all the details of life become an adventure. God defeats boredom because He illuminates the mundane and replaces it with beauty. There is nothing like a roadtrip through the Midwest to show this. For the outsider, cornfields and 30 degrees and a horizon for days might seem worthless. After all - why would one ever leave California for Spring Break?! Because God has a way of seaming together all things - when He is at the center, relationships sense the undertone of something greater at work. A mysterious depth that causes me to be so drawn to another person because I see the work of Christ in their heart.

Visiting my dearest friends Jenny/Andrew forces a return to what I know and who I am and where I am going. Introducing Benjamin to the closest parts of my heart - my city, home, best friends - has changed the way I am with Him. God allows the fear of vulnerability to be broken down... and honesty to spring forth in a way that forms intimacy and the purest of love. How great of God to give me these gifts... and as I experience them, I am reminded that any hint of them being great is simply because He is in them.

These friends in Dayton I so dearly love.

The Blue Wall; aka: location of Murray's finest meltdown

So many good memories... and the best is yet to come!

These Girls

Love these Chitown sista so much!

My heart almost exploded this past weekend when I was picked up by Ash at the airport [in unplanned matching outfits...] then entered into a room full of my favorite Chicago gals. We cozied up in our socks and sweatshirts as random snippets of life pinged through the air... ten thousand conversations at once - as girls do - about jobs and boys and weddings and heartbreak and God and church and community and Chicago and moving and future. Words strung together wrapped in the constant theme of Change.

Arrived from the airport to this!
Bunkbeds and pillow talk....

This group of women have prayed for me and fought for me; their faith is deep and it is real. They push me to be myself; and I often believe it is in this circle that I am my truest self; accepted fully and completely as I am. It is a Come As You Are type of friendship; one that I didn't believe could exist until it one day it did. 

SO much heart talk with my dearest Britt

That night, Ash and I shared a deflated air mattress on the hardwood floor of the main room, where we were awakened by streaming sunlight and pattering feet towards the coffeepot, but none of those things mattered. What mattered is that we were together. And nothing else.

What I'm Learning

My tendency is to run from people once I get close; at that point when it starts to feel like I'm jumping off a cliff and risking the free-fall moment when our sense of fear screams at us to turn back. That moment when my insides feel exposed and tell me to flee from showing any hint of the dark and dirty corners of my heart. Revealing fears & insecurities & unhealthy patterns is not easy, it is in fact the exact vulnerability I run from, and often doubt I am capable of entering.

It has only been six weeks - but six weeks of sunsets and wine and weekend trips and concerts and cocktails and tacos and movie nights and podcasts and hikes and pizza and brunch and pool days and margaritas... Six weeks of beach walks and game nights and moonlight escapes... My fear begins to dissipate in a most unexpected way. When you know the person across from you is For You, celebrating your triumphs and pushing you towards your dreams, patiently attending to your needs and enjoying the simplicity of being by your side... Every ounce of the vulnerability suddenly seems worth it.

No matter what happens, I am thankful for this time... To grow with someone and experience the overwhelming beauty of life alongside him. There's truly  nothing like it and I would repeat these six weeks over 100+ times...

The M-F

Getting my coffee this morning, I was nothing but smiles and thank-you's. The barista cheerfully responded: "It's 6:30am and everyone's so happy. Probably because it's Friday." It's true, waking up on Friday with the weekend peeking just around the corner is one of the best ways to wake-up. And finding two new Serial episodes updated on the podcast on the way to work feels like Christmas.

Today, there's just a little extra happiness to go around.

Even though the weekend feels like such a relief, I don't feel the burden of Monday thru Friday like I used to back in Chicago. My life consisted of merely managing the weekdays - a daily pummel through the wind and cold - a fight to get to a time when life would feel easy, when getting out of bed with feet on a freezing floor wouldn't be the worst part of my day. But here, each day feels full. Breathing in the sunshine, serenaded by birds through the window as coffee brews in the morning, stepping out for a walk in the middle of the day, tilting my head up to the sun at Recess... there is life to be found in each and every moment. Sunrises awaken, sunsets bring closure. The gentle rhythm of nature allows the day to flow in a way that brings delight, enjoyment, and such obvious gratitude.

Today is Friday and I look forward to a beach day tomorrow, tacos tonight, a run in the park early tomorrow. However, next week I also look forward to after-work sunsets, happy hours, windows open, ocean pauses, and daily hugs from First Graders that seem more than abundant.

Each and every day carries a gift; filled to the brim with beauty.
And I know it's true - I couldn't be happier anywhere else but here.

Sunsets

There is nothing like beauty so obvious that you have no choice but to stop and marvel at it... Drink it in and choose to say No to whatever pressing item is on your mind. In achieving one of my New Year's resolutions - watch more sunsets - I have become addicted to watching the colors of the sky transform and organizing my evening schedule around this natural bookend to the day... the closure to the sun and invitation to the moon creates a stillness and deep rest in life I didn't know possible. This rhythm has become so much a part of me, I'm not sure what I did without it.

From the Cristo mountain in Baja this weekend :)

Mexico is underrated

When it came down to making the choice to move here from Chicago, I tossed around the question of what inspires me... and found that my answer is God's Creation. Living in a city of snow, where it is the norm to be indoors half the year, I came to understand that I lived most of my days fighting the cold shivered to the bone and uninspired by my surroundings. It is both a gift and privilege to make a choice to live differently... to fight comfort and routine and step out west into the unknown. 

Sunset Cliffs yesterday with Betsy

Although the initial change feels euphoric, what follows is simply life- laundry and groceries and cleaning and finances and questions about the future. It's true - no matter where you are, life picks up and You are still You. Even when the sunset beckons across the bay, there are lists to be completed, meals to be made, and errands to run. Creating new habits from old routines is not easy, no matter where you are. But I have found that stopping to watch the sunset brings a certain peace into my life that makes everything else doable. It brings to mind these words I read years ago "beauty can be crushing at times, can't it??" (Rob Bell).

To Be Real

There is something about living in California that has brought a return to my wonder for the beauty in the day.

The colors that paint the sky are so soft... I linger in the nostalgia of those carefree, youthful days when it seemed the miracle of pink across the sky was enough. Watching others in front of the ocean brings reminders of how finite we are, how the large world beckons us towards exploration, while fear draws us back to comfort. The push-and-pull of desire freezes me into a state of curiosity... What holds me back and how do I overcome it? Experience speaks to me like a lingering ex-boyfriend, I would rather have an idea instead of the reality. 

These reflections bring a strength in vulnerability, a power that sets me free from Who I Want To Be into Who I Am. California bids me to come and bring my full attention to the moment, come and Be: be in the swaying palms, the slower pace, the ocean tide... Be in the sand on feet, sunset walks, butterfly stomach. Be in the winter escape, the days on the beach, the strolls through Balboa. Just come, drink in this landscape and let it naturally set a rhythm for my day, let it shape my thoughts, let it help me settle into who I am. 

The question is - Can I let go and let it change me for the better? Can I step into this new way of life and simply enjoy it for now without thinking of the next? Can I pause my constant judgements about what I'm doing or where I'm headed - the placing of value on each and every decision - the doubt and worry and anxiety that happens when I look back. The tension of living between wanting to grow yet wanting to hold on is a thick tension, a pendulum swing between the extremes of being human. 

My prayer is that God would help me let go... Would He show me His Grace so that I may walk in His freedom. I want to be here, right now... I want to dig into those shadows so that I may breathe in His light. Because it is there that His plans are illuminated, and I so clearly see how He works ALL things together for Good. He does, He has, and He will. That is the truth I cling to today.

Do What You Love

Ever since graduating college, this [often overused] phrase "do what you love" has rung repeated cycles in my head... I want to be the kind of person who seeks out what I love and passionately pursues it, but I feel so defeated in my attempts to do this. It even sometimes brings a tinge of guilt into moments when I am not loving what I'm doing... and then I wonder why I am wasting my time and energy on that which I don't enjoy. Life is too short, right??? Maybe part of the problem is realizing that it is hard to make a career from what I love: travel, writing, the ocean, people, coffee, wine...

These sunsets... Can't get enough of them!

A weekend in Lake Arrowhead with our church is good for the soul

So, if I can't make a career out of these things, I need to be intentional about pursuing them outside of my 8 hour days spent with 20 high-pitched children in a four-walled classroom. Although the ocean gently laps next to me each morning on my drive to work, I rarely take the time to sit and breathe it in; to ponder at its might and rest in its stillness. Though I have coffee brewing for me in the morning, I use it with medicinal purposes, forcing the caffeine into my bloodstream in order to open my foggy eyes. One of my best friends, Betsy, has a favorite quote that often echoes for me during times like these: "How you live your day is how you live your life." If I say Yes to every opportunity to make plans with people and am so quick to rush off to the next event, then my days are spent in a hurry - and my life rushes by. I realize that I need to create space to spend time doing the things that actually replenish my soul and bring me life.

We live for our Saturday Beach Days

Unreal sunset in Mexico

I've started running in the mornings again - a daily habit I used to keep in Chicago that seemed impossible with my early school time here. But, anything is possible when you make time for it :) (even when it means a 4:45am wake-up call...) After work, I sometimes walk by the ocean, or grab a coffee and read. I want to see as many sunsets as I possibly can- a task that is doable. I am carving out moments to write more, even when I don't feel inspired. There is never the perfect time to pursue passions... there is always distractions, fear, and other plans to be made. As a teacher, I long for the summer months of freedom and constantly countdown to the three day weekends sprinkled throughout the year. But I don't want to live my life longing for the future. If I want to invite these things into my days, the time to do so is right now.

Sunrise hike on Cowles Mountain

Coffee... Coffee... More coffee please

Weekend Skisteins

Growing up, my parents continually created experiences for our family to be together; vacations are rooted in my memory as the happiest family times. As a child, I longed for family adventures coming in the form of roadtrips to Colorado, a cabin in the mountains of Oregon, volcano hiking in Hawaii, or backpacking/camping on Rock Island. I looked forward to the nights where we would play cards as a family or mornings spent making pancakes; the games on the road were always a highlight, as well as trying new restaurants each night. Everything felt right when we were with one another, cozy and peaceful, because there was nowhere else to go and nothing else to do besides be together.

That same nostalgia for family vacations returns as an adult. For Christmas this year, my dad gave us an Experience instead of a Material Gift... A gorgeous log cabin on the slopes of Keystone, CO... a weekend of being cozy in a lodge whilst shredding the slopes. And when Sibsteins get to Skistein, there's truly nothing better.

On the mountain, Minibar de Mikey was fully stocked, my bro being notorious for holding everything from whiskey to Bailey's in his fannypack, complete with a few flasks of Fireball (for survival purposes) which was passed from person-to-person keeping our insides warm on the frigid lifts. Daniel's skiing tagline "slightly out of control, but having a blast" was in full effect as he raged down moguls and had us all eating the snow off the trail of his skis down blacks. And then Jill, who insists she took "the fall of her life" as she gracefully toppled down the side of a backbowl, which only proved to even out her almost flawless ski-form. And then my Dad, who despite being our earliest ski teacher, consistently held up the rear of our ski train down the mountain "playing it safe to keep his shoulder intact."

We returned each day to a nap by the fire, hot chocolate on the stove, and the sight of snow falling outside the window. There's nothing that could've made the weekend better - except maybe my ski legs being little more prepared or my lungs acclimated - but in the end those are just slight details ;)

We took this same pic on the Bridge 3 years ago! Its become a tradition...
Someday there might even be spouses and babies involved...!

So, its been awhile.

Friends in Mex for NYE

It has been so long since I've been still with my thoughts long enough to allow emotion to be processed into words on a page that feels exposed and vulnerable. I've been hiding from the true exploration of drowned out feelings harbored underneath distractions - avoidance has been a powerful coping mechanism. While 2016 was rang in surrounded by 20 best friends (+family) in a beachside mansion on the coast of Mexico, my heart did not completely match the celebration that surrounded me. No matter how convincing I can force myself to be for my own survival, the despair trapped within me depleted my energy reserves... I had nothing left.

I used to live a life of "no regrets" - regret equated failure, and failure was not an option. Afterall, every missed opportunity or wrong decision can lead to a golden moment of learning, right?! It hasn't been until recently that I've looked back on my breezy attitude towards relationships - moving from one guy to the next with panic at the mention of 'girlfriend' and cutting things off before I had to make a decision for a future event. I hold regret with my self-protecting, independent facade, wishing I had given things a chance long enough to get my heart involved. As 30 approaches, I have been met with the question - what is one thing I want in this last year of my 20's?! Others mention travel destinations or career changes... but I mention Heartbreak. My friends gasp at such an absurd answer- why wish for something so sad??! But the thing about heartbreak is that it marks a change in the way I approach relationships: Opening myself instead of Closing, saying Yes instead of No, committing instead of running. I knew that for me, heartbreak means I truly gave myself to something, risked, and allowed it to penetrate this walled-up heart of mine.

Sibsteins in Mexico

Beautiful NYE dinner

Only a few days into 2016, I received this wish. Only it hurt so much more than the formerly romantic idea floating around my brain. I tried to pretend it wasn't there, or that I didn't care, or that I had moved on... but reality proved the opposite. Now that I'm a few weeks removed, I am learning gratitude. In the past, I never thought I would reach this point - wanting to give my heart away and risk the hurt that it may entail - but I am. I don't want to hold onto relationship regret anymore; I want to see things through until a clear decision can be made. 2016 is my year of Trust - I want to trust someone else - and more importantly - I want to trust God, knowing that He sees it all and holds it close; that He loves and protects and has only good things to come.

From the documentary Iris - 

speaking of her husband, she says:

"He was cool and cuddly and could cook homemade Chinese food... So I thought 'I can't do better than this!'"

If only things were still so simple... Le sigh.