What I'm Learning

My tendency is to run from people once I get close; at that point when it starts to feel like I'm jumping off a cliff and risking the free-fall moment when our sense of fear screams at us to turn back. That moment when my insides feel exposed and tell me to flee from showing any hint of the dark and dirty corners of my heart. Revealing fears & insecurities & unhealthy patterns is not easy, it is in fact the exact vulnerability I run from, and often doubt I am capable of entering.

It has only been six weeks - but six weeks of sunsets and wine and weekend trips and concerts and cocktails and tacos and movie nights and podcasts and hikes and pizza and brunch and pool days and margaritas... Six weeks of beach walks and game nights and moonlight escapes... My fear begins to dissipate in a most unexpected way. When you know the person across from you is For You, celebrating your triumphs and pushing you towards your dreams, patiently attending to your needs and enjoying the simplicity of being by your side... Every ounce of the vulnerability suddenly seems worth it.

No matter what happens, I am thankful for this time... To grow with someone and experience the overwhelming beauty of life alongside him. There's truly  nothing like it and I would repeat these six weeks over 100+ times...

The M-F

Getting my coffee this morning, I was nothing but smiles and thank-you's. The barista cheerfully responded: "It's 6:30am and everyone's so happy. Probably because it's Friday." It's true, waking up on Friday with the weekend peeking just around the corner is one of the best ways to wake-up. And finding two new Serial episodes updated on the podcast on the way to work feels like Christmas.

Today, there's just a little extra happiness to go around.

Even though the weekend feels like such a relief, I don't feel the burden of Monday thru Friday like I used to back in Chicago. My life consisted of merely managing the weekdays - a daily pummel through the wind and cold - a fight to get to a time when life would feel easy, when getting out of bed with feet on a freezing floor wouldn't be the worst part of my day. But here, each day feels full. Breathing in the sunshine, serenaded by birds through the window as coffee brews in the morning, stepping out for a walk in the middle of the day, tilting my head up to the sun at Recess... there is life to be found in each and every moment. Sunrises awaken, sunsets bring closure. The gentle rhythm of nature allows the day to flow in a way that brings delight, enjoyment, and such obvious gratitude.

Today is Friday and I look forward to a beach day tomorrow, tacos tonight, a run in the park early tomorrow. However, next week I also look forward to after-work sunsets, happy hours, windows open, ocean pauses, and daily hugs from First Graders that seem more than abundant.

Each and every day carries a gift; filled to the brim with beauty.
And I know it's true - I couldn't be happier anywhere else but here.

Sunsets

There is nothing like beauty so obvious that you have no choice but to stop and marvel at it... Drink it in and choose to say No to whatever pressing item is on your mind. In achieving one of my New Year's resolutions - watch more sunsets - I have become addicted to watching the colors of the sky transform and organizing my evening schedule around this natural bookend to the day... the closure to the sun and invitation to the moon creates a stillness and deep rest in life I didn't know possible. This rhythm has become so much a part of me, I'm not sure what I did without it.

From the Cristo mountain in Baja this weekend :)

Mexico is underrated

When it came down to making the choice to move here from Chicago, I tossed around the question of what inspires me... and found that my answer is God's Creation. Living in a city of snow, where it is the norm to be indoors half the year, I came to understand that I lived most of my days fighting the cold shivered to the bone and uninspired by my surroundings. It is both a gift and privilege to make a choice to live differently... to fight comfort and routine and step out west into the unknown. 

Sunset Cliffs yesterday with Betsy

Although the initial change feels euphoric, what follows is simply life- laundry and groceries and cleaning and finances and questions about the future. It's true - no matter where you are, life picks up and You are still You. Even when the sunset beckons across the bay, there are lists to be completed, meals to be made, and errands to run. Creating new habits from old routines is not easy, no matter where you are. But I have found that stopping to watch the sunset brings a certain peace into my life that makes everything else doable. It brings to mind these words I read years ago "beauty can be crushing at times, can't it??" (Rob Bell).

To Be Real

There is something about living in California that has brought a return to my wonder for the beauty in the day.

The colors that paint the sky are so soft... I linger in the nostalgia of those carefree, youthful days when it seemed the miracle of pink across the sky was enough. Watching others in front of the ocean brings reminders of how finite we are, how the large world beckons us towards exploration, while fear draws us back to comfort. The push-and-pull of desire freezes me into a state of curiosity... What holds me back and how do I overcome it? Experience speaks to me like a lingering ex-boyfriend, I would rather have an idea instead of the reality. 

These reflections bring a strength in vulnerability, a power that sets me free from Who I Want To Be into Who I Am. California bids me to come and bring my full attention to the moment, come and Be: be in the swaying palms, the slower pace, the ocean tide... Be in the sand on feet, sunset walks, butterfly stomach. Be in the winter escape, the days on the beach, the strolls through Balboa. Just come, drink in this landscape and let it naturally set a rhythm for my day, let it shape my thoughts, let it help me settle into who I am. 

The question is - Can I let go and let it change me for the better? Can I step into this new way of life and simply enjoy it for now without thinking of the next? Can I pause my constant judgements about what I'm doing or where I'm headed - the placing of value on each and every decision - the doubt and worry and anxiety that happens when I look back. The tension of living between wanting to grow yet wanting to hold on is a thick tension, a pendulum swing between the extremes of being human. 

My prayer is that God would help me let go... Would He show me His Grace so that I may walk in His freedom. I want to be here, right now... I want to dig into those shadows so that I may breathe in His light. Because it is there that His plans are illuminated, and I so clearly see how He works ALL things together for Good. He does, He has, and He will. That is the truth I cling to today.

Do What You Love

Ever since graduating college, this [often overused] phrase "do what you love" has rung repeated cycles in my head... I want to be the kind of person who seeks out what I love and passionately pursues it, but I feel so defeated in my attempts to do this. It even sometimes brings a tinge of guilt into moments when I am not loving what I'm doing... and then I wonder why I am wasting my time and energy on that which I don't enjoy. Life is too short, right??? Maybe part of the problem is realizing that it is hard to make a career from what I love: travel, writing, the ocean, people, coffee, wine...

These sunsets... Can't get enough of them!

A weekend in Lake Arrowhead with our church is good for the soul

So, if I can't make a career out of these things, I need to be intentional about pursuing them outside of my 8 hour days spent with 20 high-pitched children in a four-walled classroom. Although the ocean gently laps next to me each morning on my drive to work, I rarely take the time to sit and breathe it in; to ponder at its might and rest in its stillness. Though I have coffee brewing for me in the morning, I use it with medicinal purposes, forcing the caffeine into my bloodstream in order to open my foggy eyes. One of my best friends, Betsy, has a favorite quote that often echoes for me during times like these: "How you live your day is how you live your life." If I say Yes to every opportunity to make plans with people and am so quick to rush off to the next event, then my days are spent in a hurry - and my life rushes by. I realize that I need to create space to spend time doing the things that actually replenish my soul and bring me life.

We live for our Saturday Beach Days

Unreal sunset in Mexico

I've started running in the mornings again - a daily habit I used to keep in Chicago that seemed impossible with my early school time here. But, anything is possible when you make time for it :) (even when it means a 4:45am wake-up call...) After work, I sometimes walk by the ocean, or grab a coffee and read. I want to see as many sunsets as I possibly can- a task that is doable. I am carving out moments to write more, even when I don't feel inspired. There is never the perfect time to pursue passions... there is always distractions, fear, and other plans to be made. As a teacher, I long for the summer months of freedom and constantly countdown to the three day weekends sprinkled throughout the year. But I don't want to live my life longing for the future. If I want to invite these things into my days, the time to do so is right now.

Sunrise hike on Cowles Mountain

Coffee... Coffee... More coffee please

Weekend Skisteins

Growing up, my parents continually created experiences for our family to be together; vacations are rooted in my memory as the happiest family times. As a child, I longed for family adventures coming in the form of roadtrips to Colorado, a cabin in the mountains of Oregon, volcano hiking in Hawaii, or backpacking/camping on Rock Island. I looked forward to the nights where we would play cards as a family or mornings spent making pancakes; the games on the road were always a highlight, as well as trying new restaurants each night. Everything felt right when we were with one another, cozy and peaceful, because there was nowhere else to go and nothing else to do besides be together.

That same nostalgia for family vacations returns as an adult. For Christmas this year, my dad gave us an Experience instead of a Material Gift... A gorgeous log cabin on the slopes of Keystone, CO... a weekend of being cozy in a lodge whilst shredding the slopes. And when Sibsteins get to Skistein, there's truly nothing better.

On the mountain, Minibar de Mikey was fully stocked, my bro being notorious for holding everything from whiskey to Bailey's in his fannypack, complete with a few flasks of Fireball (for survival purposes) which was passed from person-to-person keeping our insides warm on the frigid lifts. Daniel's skiing tagline "slightly out of control, but having a blast" was in full effect as he raged down moguls and had us all eating the snow off the trail of his skis down blacks. And then Jill, who insists she took "the fall of her life" as she gracefully toppled down the side of a backbowl, which only proved to even out her almost flawless ski-form. And then my Dad, who despite being our earliest ski teacher, consistently held up the rear of our ski train down the mountain "playing it safe to keep his shoulder intact."

We returned each day to a nap by the fire, hot chocolate on the stove, and the sight of snow falling outside the window. There's nothing that could've made the weekend better - except maybe my ski legs being little more prepared or my lungs acclimated - but in the end those are just slight details ;)

We took this same pic on the Bridge 3 years ago! Its become a tradition...
Someday there might even be spouses and babies involved...!

So, its been awhile.

Friends in Mex for NYE

It has been so long since I've been still with my thoughts long enough to allow emotion to be processed into words on a page that feels exposed and vulnerable. I've been hiding from the true exploration of drowned out feelings harbored underneath distractions - avoidance has been a powerful coping mechanism. While 2016 was rang in surrounded by 20 best friends (+family) in a beachside mansion on the coast of Mexico, my heart did not completely match the celebration that surrounded me. No matter how convincing I can force myself to be for my own survival, the despair trapped within me depleted my energy reserves... I had nothing left.

I used to live a life of "no regrets" - regret equated failure, and failure was not an option. Afterall, every missed opportunity or wrong decision can lead to a golden moment of learning, right?! It hasn't been until recently that I've looked back on my breezy attitude towards relationships - moving from one guy to the next with panic at the mention of 'girlfriend' and cutting things off before I had to make a decision for a future event. I hold regret with my self-protecting, independent facade, wishing I had given things a chance long enough to get my heart involved. As 30 approaches, I have been met with the question - what is one thing I want in this last year of my 20's?! Others mention travel destinations or career changes... but I mention Heartbreak. My friends gasp at such an absurd answer- why wish for something so sad??! But the thing about heartbreak is that it marks a change in the way I approach relationships: Opening myself instead of Closing, saying Yes instead of No, committing instead of running. I knew that for me, heartbreak means I truly gave myself to something, risked, and allowed it to penetrate this walled-up heart of mine.

Sibsteins in Mexico

Beautiful NYE dinner

Only a few days into 2016, I received this wish. Only it hurt so much more than the formerly romantic idea floating around my brain. I tried to pretend it wasn't there, or that I didn't care, or that I had moved on... but reality proved the opposite. Now that I'm a few weeks removed, I am learning gratitude. In the past, I never thought I would reach this point - wanting to give my heart away and risk the hurt that it may entail - but I am. I don't want to hold onto relationship regret anymore; I want to see things through until a clear decision can be made. 2016 is my year of Trust - I want to trust someone else - and more importantly - I want to trust God, knowing that He sees it all and holds it close; that He loves and protects and has only good things to come.

From the documentary Iris - 

speaking of her husband, she says:

"He was cool and cuddly and could cook homemade Chinese food... So I thought 'I can't do better than this!'"

If only things were still so simple... Le sigh.

Missing Out

One of the most difficult parts of uprooting life to move across the country is leaving the place of Home behind. Not just in the one moment of saying goodbye with hugs and tears - but in all the moments that follow as I create a new world from afar and Chicago continues to be lived in parallel. It's in all the missed weddings, baby surprises, birthday parties, coffeeshop hangouts... the life that keeps on living back where best friends make new memories, my coffee order is waiting for me before I order, and friends look to me to keep the social calendar rolling. Right after I decided to take a teaching job out here, I missed three of my close friends' weddings, the Cubs go to the playoffs, my cousin gets engaged, one of my best friends moves back to Chicago, and another friend has her baby. Chicagoans celebrate the red orange hues of the leaves as the season turns to autumn, while the temperature here continues to soar as I arrive to flights five hours early just to escape melting in my apartment.

I can never get enough of these.

My little home: Studio by the Sea.

Remnants of the most perfect San Diego Fall weekend with Steph

But if I'm honest - maybe it's also all these things that drove me away from the place I call Home. While I often had the thought of "I love it here, I never want to leave," that thought came with a twin that shouted "I'm bored. Life could be more..." While I crave Home, I also fought home. I got restless in so much of the Same. It seemed as if I lived for others' lives to move on, while mine remained on pause. I continually watched friends get married, have babies, and move away from the city year after year after year, and I wondered if I would ever have a turn. While community took shape, there was also a sense of it hanging on by a thread, waiting for relationships to be made then moved on. Attending others'  Goodbye parties, I wondered if I had the courage to step in line for my own; I questioned whether or not life would ever take me away from a place of comfort.

I get to do life with my college roomie/bestie Suzy and my bro

Family Style brunch is the best kind of brunch

So... Jessica and I lead a small group together. And we call ourselves the After Party.

I often feel that I am on a perpetual fight for the Good Life, questioning where it is I will be the happiest, or life will be easiest. Where will I have the most security and least amount of doubt... Where will I be the most content and satisfied and at peace with how things are? This weekend, one of my dearest friends Steph from Chicago came to visit and she reminded me that when it comes down to it, it truly doesn't matter where we are... God has a plan that stretches way beyond Me. (Hello. Wake-up call Rebecca.) - and His plan will be accomplished whether I'm here, there, or anywhere. It's so not about the where - and it's not about searching for this desirable Good Life. I must realize that this is the Good Life.

Tacos at Bailey's. These friends are family.

Living presently here and now: Beach camping and Lake Tahoe and slumber party weekends and Family Dinners and starting a church plant and all of our friends' airbnb'ing our homes b/c we're broke and burritos at Sunset Cliffs and Catalina camping and Settler's of Catan marathons and driving up Hwy 1 and succulent gardens and Taco Tuesdays and sunset runs and Cardiff Beach Saturdays and acai bowls and sandals to work everyday and Balboa Park explorations... If I left San Diego, my longing for all this would replace Chicago... and these are the things I would miss. Nostalgia is a tricky temptation to believe we once had it all Good, but it has been lost so that what we're stuck with is the present. Yes, living downtown Chicago for five years with my best friends in the midpoint of my 20's were certainly golden years... but the good times aren't over just because I moved. The moments right now are true gold.

Tahoe Times

Love this girl Madi

Photos: Todd James Photography

Daniel and I watched the sunset together the other night and I kept thinking - we get to do this... I can't believe we get to do this! We are so so lucky. I want to hold onto this and not long for a place where I am not. I wonder if that feeling ever goes away, or maybe it just gets replaced. 

Here it is still hot

Even as the days grow closer and closer to November, San Diego remains in soaring temps and sweltering heat, bringing reminders of the deepest longing for home. Nostalgia seems to hit hardest in fall, with the back-to-school buzz and pumpkin flavored everything. I return to favorite memories of when the house seems to put on its layer of hibernation for the winter, everything starts to feel cozier next to the the fireplace with hot apple cider, movies, pie. But apparently this year California doesn't seem to care too much about fall- despite the constant assurance from teachers and parents that "this is very unusual for this time of year!" (Of course it is.... ;)) My google search is automatically set to "window unit air conditioner" - who knew the entire county would be sold out of these mid-October?! The heat goes on....

When you can't have fall all around you, you have to bring fall to you.
My pumpkin porch thanks to the Field Trip last week :)

A timelessness exists in this place that forever feels frozen in summer vacation. I've always wanted to experience a place like this and wondered if it would either steal my heart forever causing me never to return, or if it would build an appreciation for winter in a new way so that I am more grateful when I do return. Hm. Still figuring that out.

The one and only changing tree I've found in Balboa Park.
I took too many photos.

This home of mine is a place of peace.

As I drive to work each morning, I watch the sunrise in the east, peeking through mountains, casting light to awaken sleepy hills. I am more aware of the rhythm of the day here, sunrises mark the morning and sunsets are a regular occasion to pause and gather with friends. The reminders of God's faithfulness through His Creation was lacking in my life in Chicago... I can see now how life-giving it is to be surrounded in His beauty; uprooting to a new landscape provides a lens through which I experience God in a new way. (Perhaps this is how I get addicted to travel...) Sunsets never seem to get old - even though people tell me "just wait until you're here long enough." I hope that isn't true. I've been living on earth for 29 years and still look up amazed at the giant puffs of white that fill the sky and pops of crazy color that sprout from the ground... The creativity of God remains astounding.

Sunrise along the drive

Sunset outside my door.

Though I'm settled in and life is rolling at a pace I appreciate... I've built a rhythm that feels natural and very much Me... I still can't shake the looming fear filled with questions mostly related to what's next. I wish so much that this wasn't true - I wish I could naturally be fully content right here, right now - but it is a constant discipline for me to live in the present. To simply Be without thoughts of Next. I hold my desires on one hand and ask God to carry them, knowing that He fully sees every single one of them, that they are somehow a reflection of His image in me. On the other hand I hold reality - the place that I live and the life that I already have. I wonder if my desires will always be a longing or if they will be fulfilled. Or perhaps they are already being fulfilled right now in ways I cannot see. Or maybe I just need to work on being more honest and intentional about pursuing what it is I want. This is partly why I moved out to California in the first place... to create a motion and start to turn the wheels of my desires. Maybe what I search for is simply the feeling of Home... a longing I will assuredly carry until I am in eternity with my one true Home. All I can do is live day-by-day-by-day-by-day right now and rest in the hope that He is with me, leading me forward, showing me more, and giving me what I need in His timing.

Weekend'ing for Madi's birthday - margs & pool life with such dear friends

Waking up to brunch

We found a Chicago bar!
Let's hear it... Go Cubs Go....!