Things to be Learned

Morning hours had dawned, fresh with the aroma of coffee and familiar scent of library books idling on the wooden back of my vintage Schwinn. Perusing the library with intentional convention, I migrated between opportunities for window sitting and happened upon the most ideal spot. The light, the green, the street... perfection. As I moved towards it, I hesitantly turned away when I realized it was neighbors to a puzzle, one that invited people [read: strangers], soliciting an offer for others to be in quest of colored pieces fitting into jagged corners... the mixing and matching of lines and space is a world from which I remain far-removed. Unlike my family, I am ambivalent towards puzzles, lacking the patience or perhaps the process it takes to sit before an unseen picture; tactile motion descending into larger and useless decor.

I moved closer and words became legible: "Help complete the puzzle. Add a piece or two and watch it come together."

A lesson for the puzzlers is a lesson for the thesis. Bit by bit, step by step, little by little. It seems so large, so impossible - but yet again, the signage called me back - "add a piece or two and watch it come together..." a piece here and a piece there... the larger picture comes into focus.

Perhaps this is exactly where I am supposed to sit.

Gratitude: for lessons in unexpected places, for moments in which God speaks, for his grace that provides the will to move forward in courage.

Everything is Okay in Summer

Warm air floats over beams of light extending from buildings to the lake, reflecting on the harbor and glistening on pedals of bikes resting right beside us.

I am convinced there is nothing more magical than Chicago in the summer.

Okay, so summer was a little slow goin... as always.
But we always take advantage of temps above 50!

With summer, all wrongs are reconciled, all forgiveness is given for torturing our souls during those cold endless months; my heart returns to this city and forgets the hovering gloom of five months.

Summer is for blueberry pie.

... and picnics.

Saturdays are booked with lakefront volleyball closely resembling college spring break, Fridays are for projecting movies in our yard as we grill with friends, Thursdays we picnic in Wicker Park as we watch Robin Williams throwbacks, and Mondays we relax to the tunes of Music Monday in Mill Park. Home feels here and I believe Chicago Summer is the true shadow of heaven on earth.

When Daniel is in town, the people gather around.
Summer is not the same here without him!

Even if these warm temps are short-lived, I am so thankful for how they fill us up just enough to start the cycle of seasons all over again.

Surfacing Fears

"The fear of letting people down is one of the primary reasons people procrastinate."

 / D. Miller / Scary Close

It's not that I don't have the ability or words or experience or knowledge within me to finish a thesis... It's just that sometimes I am so paralyzed in others' conception of me that it's as though I am stuck in cement; my head is screaming at my feet to march forward, but my feet are too heavy to propel in any singular motion. Fear of failure is a crippling notion; to fail or not be the best is an insecurity lurking behind every decision. The whispers of others are a mantra in my head - "What a waste of a degree..." "She's ruining her life...." "She is unfounded with no direction...." These thoughts tap out the other more quieter truth "I'm just doing my best..." so I scramble just to prove that I am trying.

I am learning to tell the truth. Letting the threads of vulnerability string together the story of Who I Am Becoming in the face of wanting to be perceived as excellent and worth it. Miller writes: "Acting may get us the applause we want, but taking a risk on being ourselves is the only path toward true intimacy." Grieving the loss of a promised job that I had hopes of growing into is not commensurate with my identity or abilities. Lamenting is letting true emotion break through, acknowledging the existence of something beautiful and letting it go. 

What I love about children is the most transparent expression of themselves at all times.
They wear their emotions on the exterior, and it teaches me to do the same.

As I write on how we are spiritually formed through the theology of place and embodying presence, I  find myself yearning for that deep sense of wholeness in Christ. I am so deadened to living in acute awareness of Christ WITH me in all my striving and the inner narrative writing lies about not being good enough. A favorite author, Frederick Buechner writes: "What deadens us most to God’s presence within us, I think, is the inner dialogue that we are continuously engaged in with ourselves, the endless chatter of human thought. I suspect that there is nothing more crucial to true spiritual comfort . . . than being able from time to time to stop that chatter . . . ” To stop the chatter is the discipline of standing before God in gratitude for grace. I am not great, but He within me is. 

While running along the lakefront today, I stopped to stretch and noticed a scar behind my knee I forgot was there. In that moment, I was reminded that God still knew it was there even when I couldn't see it. He is acquainted with all the varying parts of me, even when I feel like I can't trust Him with the things I want most. To hold my desires in one hand and the goodness of God in the other sometimes feels unbalanced - it feels like one will surely be the victor. I return to His faithfulness - "For all I have seen teaches me to trust the Creator for all I do not see..." (Ralph Waldo Emerson) - He is always faithful. I want to run the risk of failure and rejection and possibly feeling incredibly small in moments for a life of true connection.

Doesn't this Kinfolk dinner look like absolute magic???
A place for others to come and be themselves is an environment I am constantly reworking.
Summer dreams start here.

The Feeling of Trapped

Sometimes it seems like life isn't happening in Real Time, but instead somewhere Other, like a snowglobe shaken up as I watch the glimmer of white fall upon smiling faces living the promises of good things to come. As the sole audience member entertained by the floating sparkle, I know it is a world I will gaze into, but never join. Some days, this feels like life.

In the past six months, conversations that once launched into topics of falling in love and ring sizes and honeymoon marriage have pivoted to diapers and sleep schedules and breastfeeding. I've stood by five of my closest friends as they navigate the road of New Mom; it is a joy to see a piece of each friend surface that was previously unseen, part of their heart hidden and now given an outlet to be set free. Yes, it is a delight to watch this transformation unfold and I am grateful to stand in as Auntie for these children as I anticipate growing up with them over the years. But a sadness also incurs as I gaze into a life I have dreamt of, but perhaps was never alerted to that time being Now. It's happening all around me, but it feels I realized it too late.

Wedding'ing with my dearest Ash.

As May turned to June, I watched my dear grad friends cross a stage to receive their diploma. The relationships of my graduate school journey are composed of unlikely friendships birthed from class discussions of combined intellect + intimacy; conversation forged way to knowing one another's stories in the context of partnering with colleagues in dreams, hopes, and future. Teaching at Mosaic and paralyzed in the cold prohibited me from hitting the deadlines, which seemed to pass me by and hold me back from joining my friends on the stage.

No longer teaching with Mosaic and moving forward with an unfinished thesis and unclear direction feels completely paralyzing. Too often I assume the role of an onlooker into others' stories, instead of the participant in my own. This apartment of Home for five years has suddenly transitioned into a weight that pulls me to this city... This city of Forever Winters I now long to escape. I dream of a life that most days doesn't seem For me, as the onlooker of others.

My prayer is for deeper trust in this time knowing God is cultivating something I cannot see. I have no idea where this journey will take me - right now it feels like job application after job application - but the promise of His character is Good, even when it's hard.

 

Every Day Thoughts.

I've been "quiet on my blog lately," as my Uncle lovingly reminds me when there are blocks of space between posts. I suppose I am still picking up the pieces of not-yet-graduated, done-with-teaching, what's-my-next-step reflections hoping they will pull my life in some sort of direction. The Right Choice is impossible and the Options are overwhelming. A familiar feeling of doubt returns as I consider this looming future, reminding me of finishing Baylor in 2008, stepping into a world of unknowns. This time around I have a few years of counseling and clearer sense of self under my belt, propelling me forward in a subject area in which I have experience, gifts, and passion. And yet, that doesn't seem to be enough.

I want to live inspired and challenged through my work; I want to connect with others and tell stories; I want to work in a creative environment that pushes me to consider life outside the box; I want to soak in the goodness and delight each day has to offer; I want to do life alongside the ones I love.

Does this combination exist??! Sometimes it feels hopeless. What do I do in the meantime?!
(See how I get stuck?!)

Said goodbye to these little ones this past week!
Happy Summer :)

“Not my idea of God, but God. Not my idea of H., but H. Yes, and also not my idea of my neighbour, but my neighbour. For don't we often make this mistake as regards people who are still alive -- who are with us in the same room? Talking and acting not to the man himself but to the picture -- almost the précis -- we've made of him in our own minds? And he has to depart from it pretty widely before we even notice the fact.”

/ C.S. Lewis

"A Grief Observed"

Wheaton Goodbyes

For me, there is nothing more difficult than saying goodbye... Letting one chapter end and another begin. Leading up to Baylor graduation, merely walking into our apt at Crescent Plex brought a lump to my throat, leading me to tears with the weight of leaving. How could life get better than living with your best friends in a quirky town like Waco where the biggest stress was which group of friends to hangout with on a Friday?! The following year, I was led into a spiral of Identity Crisis, longing with sentimentality for the carefree days of college, while simultaneously being thrust into a world that required an Adult version of myself, one that had yet to develop. When you are living those blissful golden years, it's hard to notice that it someday might change... Time seems to freeze in place, as if perhaps it will continue like it is forever.

But all of a sudden it's seven years later and I am graduating with a master's from Wheaton College - a journey that has changed me in ways I never could've predicted. My word for the past two years is Gift. I am learning what it means to live in gratitude as I pay attention to the working of God around me. Through learning the history of the church & traditions of our spiritual mothers and fathers, I understand what the spirit-driven process of forming the inner world to become like Christ really means. As I dug deep into my family of origin, I mourned losses and celebrated victories, struggled with the past and found hope in the future, and - most importantly - began to understand in a profoundly new way the reconciliation and renewal of Christ. Systematic theology courses intimidated me, philosophy of education classes reworked me, and counseling classes fed me. I utilized tools in quantitative and qualitative research that I never knew existed. I wrote paper on paper in the depths of the library, digging into topics like imagination, child formation, teaching for transformation, and courageous living. I quoted CS Lewis, watched days of Tolkien, and read Chesterton, T.S Eliot, and Nouwen. I learned that leadership is more about service than about strength. I explored who God created me to be, and how to be a good steward of what He's given me. I wrestled with calling, strengths, gifts, compassion, needs, desires, hurts, and loves. My professors poured into me, brought clarity to undefined topics, and were FOR me as a learner and person, no matter my questions. I made three close friends in the process of school - friends that uplifted me, encouraged me, held hands with me, and loved me. I carry these dears with me even as the program ends. This program has constantly pushed me into states of disequilibrium where I am challenged to define what it is I believe after critical analysis, biblical interpretation, and stimulating discussion.

I leave this program changed. I am not who I was when I started. I worship God in ways I never knew before and I now see how ALL of Creation points to Him.

In a few short weeks I exit the world of graduate school (thesis pending) and jump into Whatever Is Next. When I was debating whether or not to go to Wheaton, my dear friend Sonja told me: "Rebecca, dare to dream outside the Kindergarten classroom." This is certainly what my time away from the classroom has been about: daring to dream. My prayer is for this idea to materialize as I make next steps. I have a life and friends, family and job waiting for me here in Chicago... I don't know where daring to dream could lead next, but I am open.

“The voice we should listen to most as we choose a vocation 

is the voice that we might think we should listen to least, 

and that is the voice of our own gladness.”

/ Frederick Buechner, Graduation Address 

Zoo Selfies and Day Drinks

Because what better way to emerge from Hibernation?!

Spring is here and life is full.

Thankful, so thankful, for friends that commit to life together. 

In the beautiful Here-I-Am type of way.

A weekend grad "retreat." I passed comps!

Teaching the littles.

Roommate birthdays... Little Goat.

Yes, Dad got me a selfie stick for Easter.
Yes, I now have 35 photos in a Zoo Selfie Stick album.
This could probably be a whole separate blog post...

But seriously - when was the last time you marveled at a giraffe?! 

Thankful for these ladies! 

A 30th birthday photobooth for Stephy!

When the sun decides to shine it means a day of bloody mary's, beer gardens, and sangria.
The idea of "ease into summer" did not go very far.

Him over Me

I was once asked [most likely on a first date] what the majority of my thoughts during the day revolve around. While I wish my slightly intelligent AND holy (!) response of - I mostly debate the theological implications of soteriology and how that plays out in the various denominational views, was the reality... could be true - I hate to admit the reality is  that my Thought Life revolves around the constant nebula of My Future. When will I finish my master's? What will I do on Friday? I have to text/call so-and-so. Do I really want to stay in this job? What would life look like to move out? Will I ever get married? 

It's no wonder that so many of the spiritual disciplines call us to the present and root us in the moment. As I write my thesis, I realize this is precisely what pilgrimage does for the individual - it calls one to live life as it is Right Now. I gravitate towards pilgrimage because my soul knows I need it. One of my favorite authors on spiritual disciplines,Adele Calhoun, has this to say about Silence:

"As you quietly offer your body you can hone your listening reflexes. There is nothing you need to do here. This is not a time to come up with strategies for fixing your life. Silence is a time to rest in God. Lean into God, trusting that being with him in silence will loosen your rootedness in the world and plant you by streams of living water. It can form your life even if it doesn't solve your life. The anonymous author of The Way of the Pilgrim wrote, 'I need peace and silence to give free play to this quickening flame of prayer.' Let the silence lead you to prayer."

I want to want God more than I want my plans. I want to see Him more than I see myself. I want to trust Him more so that my future doesn't seem like a dark looming question mark to answer, rather a beckoning to turn my eyes to His work and thank Him for this life I get to live. I want to remember that only He is life to my soul in a way nothing else can ever be. 

Getting Rid of the Ego

As one grows up, he or she tends to seek out the thing they are Good At. At first, one identifies this strength from family, which eventually shifts into affirmation from peers. My favorite developmental psychologist, Erik Erickson, termed the outcome of virtues in this stage Industry vs. Inferiority. If one does not find self-worth with a specific "industry," he or she starts to compare their personal abilities to other children and enters into a stage of "inferiority." As a child, I quickly detected that my gifts were not in sports or student government, rather the thing I was most consistently drawn to was academics. (Early signs of a teacher...? Guilty.) Convinced my teachers held the information of the world in their hands, I lived under the impression that if I just sat with them long enough, I could crack the codes of the universe. Over the years, I prided myself in high honors through academic achievement. I found identity through words from teachers, family, and students as I daily fought the pressure to assume this Good Student role.

... Which brings me to a pending master's and an approaching graduation date. After clocking over 80 hours this past week in a room surrounded by [close to 37] books, I pumped out a literature review that I was supposedly "working on all semester." I proudly presented this document glowing with newly acquired research to my professor, expecting his seal of approval and permission to move onto the next thesis chapter, due on Wednesday. Instead, I sat stunned reading an email of the worst academic criticism I have ever encountered. While my eyes welled with tears, they were not blurred enough to ignore the last word of the document: "Redo." My instinct told me to fight and I strung together words in defense of my writing. (Thank you Google Drafts for saving me from an email I would undoubtedly regret...)

Living the Cube Life.

... and all the books.

It has only been in the process of writing this thesis that I am learning to recognize and let go of my Ego. It is the ego that seeks out such desperate need for Approval, constantly answering to the plaguing thought of "Am I doing this right?!" While the ego is always there, I can choose not to operate under this illusion or defense system - because it is in that place that I am closed off to the refinement and challenge that is ultimately for my good, to make me a more compassionate and understanding human. I am trying to return to my Authentic Self - generous, sincere, and present; instead of being overridden by the ego - greedy, fearful, and defensive. This.is.not.easy. Especially when it comes to Identity.

What is the pressure I sense to graduate in May? I quickly jump to disappointment in myself and listen to thoughts of Failure. I start believing things like "I was never cut out for a higher degree... I'll never be accepted into a PhD program... I'm not smart... I don't deserve my professor's time..." Instead of an initial response of defense and shame, I would like to be more willing, more receiving, more attentive to constructive criticism. I am too quick to be a Know-It-All and I don't like this piece of myself. I pray that God changes me; that I find my identity in who He says I am instead of academics. Because when this happens, nothing can crumble or shake; nothing can rattle my core when I know I am deeply loved by Him. And if the Creator of the Universe calls me His, what other approval do I seek?!

This is a truth I know with my mind, but I am challenged to live out from my heart.