3-3

I want to capture the likeness of thirty-three so far. It has only been 48 hours, but let's be honest - I've been feeling 33 for a lot longer.

When I think about this age, a few words come to mind. Thirty-three is full. It is full of time with Jack, which means scrambled eggs on the floor, a destructive path everywhere he goes, a constant figuring out of toddler brain, a steady stream of iced coffees, frustrated moments of he-won't-nap-and-I-might-go-insane, but lots of giggles and laughter and playing and nakey time, and cuteness in-between. I am thankful for our journey together this past year. Since Jack was only 3 weeks old on my birthday last year, it seems he spent his first year with my new year. In this way, I can't separate this past year from Jack. It has been sleeping schedules and swaddling and googling things at 2am; finding all the kid-friendly hot spots in San Diego, Mom Hangs and Mom Groups (and Mom Group dropouts...), and new Mom Friends and Mom Marco Polos from afar.

This year I essentially learned how to be a mom. I didn't love it the first 6 months. I desperately missed time with Ben where I felt fully alive, I missed the freedom to meet up with friends or go to the grocery without a little one in tow, I missed my pre-baby body, I missed long slow mornings full of coffee and pancakes and binge-watching Narcos, I missed freely wearing clothes that weren't "breastfeeding friendly" or stained in milk, and I missed traveling with Ben without adhering to naptimes and bedtimes. Mostly I missed sleep. Because without sleep, everything is clouded in a hazey foggy wonderland of feeling like you're mostly drowning but coming up for air every so often. After sleep training Jack around 4 months, he slept through the night most nights, but I was still doing a dreamfeed around 10pm (which we dropped around our anniversary at 7 months thanks to Grandma Mickey in town!) I continued to pump every single night until he turned one. And now - free from this crazy world of Baby, I have finally returned to myself. My hormones have steadied, my body feels better than ever, and I feel a new sense of stable that I didn't realize I missed so much.

Jack hasn't napped in about two weeks, but I jotted this down on my phone while taking him for a walk on my birthday:

At 33, I can honestly say that I have finally returned to myself. While there is beauty in the journey of pregnancy, newborn life, and breastfeeding over the past *almost* two years - (and I hope to be there again at some point) - I am equally thankful to be none of those things today. I step into a new year with gratitude and joy for this season - teaching 2 courses in the fall term, trips to CO, TX, IL, and JAPAN in Oct - I have so much to look forward to in this season and I want to be fully present for it all. I am on my knees thanking God for a new year!

As an enneagram three, we are slow to take pride in our own accomplishments. We are always seeking more, trying to be better, and achieving a new goal. I find myself always working towards something, because without the sense of achievement I am lost. But today I am filled with joy and a sense of awe with being a mom. I have learned new depths of selflessness this year in ways nothing else could've taught me other than Jack. He is my focus and my attention. My heart bursts with wanting the best for him. While at the same time, Ben is my ultimate priority. And with him, being a Mom is doable. He tells me when I need a pedicure, encourages me to buy a new dress or go get my hair done, regularly tells me to treat myself to a coffee, and above all - he is the reason I can stay home and give my life to our Jack Attack. He is my co-partner in it all - thank GOD. He brings out the best in me. He steps in when I just can't do it anymore. He loves me unconditionally. Life is better with Ben, and Jack has brought a new richness and intimacy that I didn't know our marriage could feel. Reading a card from Ben on my birthday brought me to tears because I realized that I never thought I would read words directed to me like what I read from Ben on my birthday. He is my distant dream materialized. I never want to forget that or take it for granted.

Full, yes. 33 is full of opportunities on the horizon and life to look forward to. Of course there is the daily "humdrum" of dishes and laundry, but in it exists God's spirit and presence with whom I yearn to connect. I believe 33 will teach me things I can't see yet and I'm here for it all.

We're all happy because I showered.

Hunky husband.

Best dinner and cocktails at Fort Oak. I want to repeat it over and over again!

The feeling of joy in the summer is:

The familiar scent of chlorine seeped into your skin as you hang wet towels & baby floaties & tiny trunks to dry;

Tightness in the cheeks where the sun missed the sunscreen as tan lines begin to form on your shoulders;

The hum of music in the park ringing in your ears, watermelon juice leaving a sticky trail on the steering wheel on the way home, as an empty bottle of Sauvignon Blanc clinks around in the cooler;

Picking up a fully asleep Jack and placing his limp body into bed fully clothed with grass stains on his knees and sand between his toes;

And when your head hits the pillow at 8pm you realize it's the first time you've sat down all day, but your muscles feel the kind sore that is somehow Good;

And a smile appears as you thank God for summer and being a Mom.

Waterfront Park Splashpad

I wore Jack out at the pool AND zoo in one day

Mr. Frostie $1.48 dipped cones yes please

Parakeet Cafe at 7am because little buddy has been waking at 5:30am.... (= mom needs iced coffee ASAP) 

He loves to eat leaves. I usually don't let him but sometimes I do. ;)

I don't strap him into the stroller anymore because pick your battles people

Good thing he's so cute!

We Have a One-Year Old!

In so many ways it is hard to believe our little Jack turned one! When I think about who I was a year ago and who I am now, in some ways it feels like I am a completely different person. I don't know myself without being Jack's mom anymore; it is so infused in my identity. The learning curve over the past year has been like nothing I can relate to in the past. A constant series of questions and figuring out and wondering if I'm doing the right thing. It is all with the best intentions for our little Jack, because we want to give him the very best.

The first few months of Jack were hard. Really hard. In ways I don't think I could put into words then, because at the time it was just Life. But in hindsight I see how the lack of sleep infiltrated into my feelings and day-to-day routines. Around four months I got on my knees and begged God to allow Jack to sleep through the night; and by some divine miracle that night he actually did sleep through the night. But this also was the kickstart to our sleep training, which completely changed my perspective and capacity to do daily life. The next six months were so much more fun, even though Jack was also so much bigger. In some ways I miss those newborn days and in other ways I never want to do them again. What a whirlwind!

Some favorite highlights from this past year include: Labor Day weekend meeting Rosie for the first time; our Midwest fall road trip taking Jack back to family and visiting Chicago, Michigan, and Indiana; Christmas in Chicago with all the siblings; Denver in March meeting cousin Ollie for the first time; Daniel and Lo's wedding in June, and countless beach mornings and walks in between. We've enjoyed the Zoo, New Children's Museum, walks to our neighborhood Mt. Etna park, strolls along PB pier, Farmer's Markets, playdates, pool time, Balboa Park, happy hours, swing times, library storytime, and just rolling around and laughing on the floor. In the mornings, we used to get Jack up then bring hi into bed with us and just stare and laugh at him. He would make the funniest little faces and the most precious noises. Once he started getting mobile, our morning routines had to change (now he loves taking everything out of my closet as I get ready... a routine I do not particularly enjoy). We have found that his happiest time is "nakey time" right before bathtime/bedtime. He giggles so much and crawls all around with such joy that it's almost hard to actually put him to sleep!

This season of life is just so sacred and I don't want to forget it!

In the challenge and in the questions, I absolutely love being a Mom. I have no doubt that this is the calling God has for me. He knew Jack would be ours before the creation of the world. I feel so immensely privileged and undeserving. I wouldn't choose anything else right now; my cup overflows. Even in the days when I look back with envy to the Rebecca who worked an office job at PLNU, coming and going with the freedom to grab a solo coffee or go for a walk or meet a friend for lunch. However, I also know that was a season of life. Now I look at the black beans smeared on the floor and the Tupperware strewn all over the kitchen floor and realize this is the Rebecca I will envy someday. This time with my baby/toddler at home is something I wouldn't ever trade. I'll take the messes and the no-nap days and the crying and the frustrations any day. Because I know each of these days will be the makeup of my life. And I don't want to ever wish them away!

Also - in true growth - I have started choosing Finished over Perfect. I am writing my thoughts here without much editing or re-reading these days. I am posting pics that capture our life that don't abide to a particular color scheme. Because I would rather have it done than have it never-done in fear of it not being perfect enough. I guess this is therapy for a recovering perfectionist...

For Jack's birthday party, we did a little yard reveal. We had a bounce house, ate hot dogs, and shared cake. We traded Jack's helmet for a birthday crown that day. We Facetimed with Rosie and remembered our FaceTime on the 13th a year ago, both in the hospital with our new babies. We had our friends and all the grandparents here. It is so special to see just how loved your little person is with so many people. What a gift.

Here are some pics capturing our weekend with the Knisely crew + Grandma Mickey. I'm already sad the weekend has ended. We love family and every time they leave a piece of my heart breaks with the reality that we don't live closer. We are thankful to at least have one set of grandparents nearby!

Cousin time with Isabella

Isabella adores Uncle Ben and it's the cutest thing ever

We love pool time with Aunt Ashlie and Isabella 

Daddy's first swim with Jack. We are hoping he's a little water boy!

Birthday Dessert Table

We love our little Jack Attack

Aunt Lo and Uncle D

I think Jack ate an entire watermelon at his bday party.

My mom got us a Zoo pass for Jack's birthday and I am so excited for so many good zoo memories

Cousin Love

Grandpa Jay and GB got Jack his first bike for his birthday! He absolutely loves it. He's clapping for himself in this picture - he's so proud of himself!

"May what I do flow from me like a river,
no forcing and no holding back,
the way it is with children."

-- Rilke

“If all you did was just looked for things to appreciate, you would live a joyously spectacular life.”

// Esther Abraham Hicks

Summer is Here!

I find myself over and over again wanting to freeze time because these moments are so sweet with Jack and they are just flying by way too quick! 

How I love this little guy and my days with him. I know that he won't remember everything (/anything) we are doing together, but that it is all adding up to building his character and who this little person is becoming... the fruit of which I will only (hopefully!) see later in life. I want to honor God with my time and my days and continually help Jack's development and leading him into the life I want for him - a life of adventure, laughter, reflection, and love for life/God/people.

One thing I love about time with Jack is that he consistently challenges me to pause and notice. The plane overhead, the bird on the tree, the little leaf in the grass. Babies are not caught up in the bigger picture, they seem to only take notice of the details. And whatever the detail is that they are fixated on is the most important detail of the moment. When I'm not with Jack, I find myself noticing these things because he has taught me to do so. I smile in these moments, reflecting on what Jack's reaction would be... and then I miss being with him when I'm away. He makes life more precious, more simple, and more joyful. Every single challenge is worth these moments of glory. He has the sweetest heart and the softest soul. He loves other children and is Mr. Social wherever we go, avidly trying to get everyone's attention through laughing and waving at them. Seeing his little personality shine through has got to be one of life's greatest joys! This summer is already one of the best yet.

He loves playing on our little TV tray

Jack loves the library! He pulls out every book... and then I restack them.
I can't wait for him to pick out books for us to read together!

Always waving. To everyone, everywhere we go. Good thing he's so cute and people love waving back!

I made Jack a birthday crown and he's unsure if he likes it. 

Soon-to-be ONE YEAR OLD!

Slowly weaning... we are down to 1 feeding a day. I intend to give him his last breastfeed on his birthday. He's become really cuddly and cute when he feeds, which is making it harder on me. But it's also so freeing. I can't believe I've been sustaining him with milk for almost a year! What a crazy journey. Hats off to all you mommas out there!

Jack's second visit to the zoo (his first visit is when he was a Babybaby... he loved the fish! Even though he was getting sleepy...

Little guy without his helmet looks so grown-up! I can't even handle it!

Its been really hot lately! We love going to parks and splash pads

It's hard to explain how much I love him. 

There are moments when I am so overcome with gratitude that I start to see everything through the lens of being a gift.

I have slowly been compiling photos for a baby book for Jack, and those first few weeks after he was born feel like a distant memory and yet like it could be yesterday.

The feeling of being called Mom for the first time and referring to Ben as Dad. The titles felt foreign yet strangely familiar.

The two weeks leading up to Jack's birth feeling like we were reliving the freedom and carefree life like we were back in college. Maybe that's why he waited two weeks to come out - we were having too much fun. Iced coffees and PBJ morning beach picnics, surf and walks, trying new restaurants every night and ice-cream on the way home... each day a ticking time clock for the instant we knew would change us forever.

But those two weeks after Jack was born were pure bliss. This new rhythm to life beginning to take shape with every little breath and sleepy baby stretch. Friends and family flowing in and out of our home that was just beginning to feel like home.

In this way, it truly wasn't Home until Jack arrived.

The constant questions of newborn life - is he cold? Is he tired? Is he hungry? Is he teething? - with every little cry. Just new parents figuring it out together. Those are moments we will never get back and ones that I will always look back on with the joy of the memory but the sadness that it's over.

Our little redheaded, smiley, toothy Jack turns 1 in about a month and in a way it's a birthday for us, too. One year of being parents. And it's crazy to think - but it truly does get better and better.

Birth of an Identity

My friend Whitney reminded me that the moment of giving birth to a baby there is actually another birth taking place.

This is your own rebirth, in a word, the birth of a new identity.

Prior to having a baby, the identity of Mom is one you know you will assume. You wistfully pass through days folding all the cute tiny baby clothes and getting midnight ice-cream knowing you won't have this chance when the baby comes. You realize there are freedoms you will give up, sacrifices you will make, nights you won't ever sleep. But even in this knowing, nothing - literally nothing - can prepare you for becoming a Mom. The daily (hourly, minute-ly) decisions you will be making for the good of your child, the constant questions of figuring it out, and even the loneliness that can come with being a new mom.

I am faced with a whole new identity crisis in a way, reminiscent of my 22 year-old self wondering who I will become and what I will do with my life. In some ways the doors feel wide open, readily available to walk through and claim a whole new status. And in others, they feel shut and locked as my days are solely focused on a tiny human who can't talk back to me.

And I remember, it's this. It's my son. It's day to day to day with him. Being present to his needs, to his gifts, to his emotions. God has called me to this right now. God has chosen me to be his mom. He has entrusted this little human to us! What a gift.

I also don't want to be a mom wrapped up in my children so much so that I lose myself. I want to stand on my passions, my motivations, and the gifts I can bring to this world. What else was I made to do? This question can be paralyzing, looming over me like a cloud. I want to know that I am contributing my time and resources to making this world better. To impacting lives. To changing other humans. This drive didn't go away with stepping into motherhood. But it seems so hard to do with another little around-the-clock dependent.

I am reminded - here, now, this. Be here with Jack. Be present now. Be in this. Raising him is changing the world. This is my new identity taking form and I can't wait to see where else it leads.

On Being a Mom

Ten months ago I uttered the words "I'm your Mom" for the first time - a phrase I had always imagined would carry an unexplainable feeling hidden within it. An experience that carries so much weight in my life that it captures a million emotions all at once and suddenly I can see them all in front of me and hold them in my arms. There were times in life when I didn't know if I would ever get to say this sentence; and there were moments where I was simply afraid to. July 12, 2018 changed my whole world so that it's often hard to look back and truly remember what life was like before Jack.

Even thought I have babysat my whole life, studied Child Development, and have a genuine love for children, when I got pregnant with Jack I doubted that I would know what to do and how to do it. How do I know when to feed him? Or put him to sleep? Or swaddle him the right way? How do I know how to hold him or carry him or take him into the grocery store? The most surprising thing about stepping into motherhood is the instinctual response to my child. Even just figuring it out seems like an inherent Knowing; like I have always known how to care for our little Jack. Perhaps because it comes from a place of love, and love is something that can't be taught. It's a feeling you just Know - it's not a question or figuring out or even a decision you are forced to make - it overcomes you and bursts out of your heart and escapes your body in a way that the only way to describe is that it feels like love. 

That's what it's like with Jack. It feels like love. The purest, scariest, deepest love I know because there is always lingering the scary idea of loss.

I was listening to a talk on grief today from one of my favorite professors at Wheaton - Dr. Scottie May - and what she said was beautiful. If you know grief it is because you know love. This is why love is so vulnerable; this is why we sometimes hide from the idea of it and shield ourself from the feeling of it. When we love, there is always the lurking potential for grief.

In this life, I will choose love. And I will be open-hearted and fully alive in this love. Whatever happens, I pray Jack knows my love. And through this imperfect love, he will search for and come to know God's perfect love. That is my prayer as a Mom. Not to measure up or be anything; not to have the smartest, funniest, most athletic child; not to show people that we are a family that has it all together. It is now and always will be that my husband and child(ren) know the height and width and depth of love. The kind that brings us to our knees in prayer; teaches us how to show kindness and service to people; and seeks to consistently find God in our midst. The kind that is unexplainable but purely beautiful; the kind that courageously faces the possibility of the grief because of how it captures your whole being with its intrinsic power. The kind that feels like a natural overflow of who you are so that you can't just walk away and pretend it doesn't exist. The truth is, it's worth it; it's always worth it.

We love shopping trips together

Ben sent this to me while I was away for the weekend - it's one of my favorites ever!

His favorite little spot right now is right next to my shoes in the closet. 

Melt my heart right here.

The Experience of Joy

Ben and I recently watched the Brene Brown talk on Netflix. I have loved her ever since her Power of Vulnerability TED talk in 2011, which quickly rose to the top of the Most Watched Ted Talks list for putting definitions to words that weren't part of our every day nomenclature - vulnerability, shame, resilience, etc. These days, it seems like you can't leave a conversation without some nod to one of these words. They have seeped into our culture, keeping up with social media's trend to normalize certain human tendencies. But at the time of watching this TED talk, I couldn't stop thinking about these terms as they applied to my life journey.

While I cried my way through most of her Netflix debut, one part that particularly struck me was the vulnerability of joy. She posits that joy is perhaps the most vulnerable of all emotions, because when you allow yourself to experience the depths of true joy, there is always the thought of the opposite of joy - the horrible thing coming around the corner if I allow myself to experience this emotion. She talks about moments as a mother, rocking her babies to sleep being overcome by joy and then suddenly feeling paralyzed with fear picturing the most dreaded thing happening to them. (We've all been there, yes?!) We want to fight joy and push it away because the flip side of joy is scary.

Lately I have been trying to be present to joy in the moment. Yes, there are lingering thoughts that bring fear and I have the desire to protect Jack from all of the things that could hurt him. But I also want to be vulnerable and allow myself to experience the richness of joy without the fear of what could happen. This is a discipline I want to work on throughout my days with Jack.

Just for fun... this little Avocado Face.