A Feeling I Know

There comes a turning point in every decision that brings change and a Freak-Out causing me to consider that perhaps I made a wrong turn. I am so intent on making the right choice, having the best options, and being the most prepared, that at the first sign of feeling scary or foreign or out of my comfort zone, it confirms every fear that I was, in fact, Wrong. 

Even in the fog and fear, I have trained my heart to take courage, my mind to adapt to new processes, and my soul to find rest in the pauses. In this position, it has been especially challenging to feel capable, confident, or remotely competent as the spreadsheets are emailed, Financial Aid numbers analyzed, and daily training using codes that sound like another language. After all, I've been teaching numbers and letters the past six years to young children... I don't know anything about unsubsidized federal loans or a student's gross budget awards for the year!

Through daily internal pep-talks of "it's okay, you're going to be okay..." combined with um, prayer... I'm telling myself that I can do this. When everything feels new, it's instinctual to shut-down and cry. I remember what it was like to take steps towards the things I always felt like I couldn't do... that feeling is familiar. I am continually learning to take the one-step-at-a-time before I extract the situation and enlarge it to this-is-the-rest-of-my-life. Nobody got to Santiago in a day - and it was the learning curve of becoming a pilgrim that felt so exhilarating. Those initial walks were blisters, and soreness, and exhaustion, until one day I started walking 25+ miles and forgot how hard it used to be.

I am reminded of the journey... and how every journey of beauty beckons one back to the Shire - the disillusioned brilliance What Used to Be- comfort, steadiness, reliability surfaces in our minds as perfection. We cling to what we know; but that is not the path I want to take... I want to see the challenge and take it on, overcome, and learn. Every opportunity offers a chance to grow - and you have to go through the Difficult to Become. Though I resist hard changes, I rest in Truth; where God calls is Good. He provides, He leads, and He knows. He does not lead to dead ends; every place leads to somewhere else. That is the walk with God I look back on in my life, and the one He has me on today. I will rely on Him because He is my strength and He has been nothing but faithful and good to me!

On 29

29 has been a year of change and transition; fear and doubt; heartbreak, real love, challenge and growth... it has led to a new state, a new job, another new job, and most importantly - a man who is greater than anything I could've dreamt on my own. I've traveled, celebrated, wept; wondered, questioned, and been formed.

This time last year I signed a contract to teach at Tri-City Christian, and Michael hopped in my car packed up with my life to drive through all the national parks until we finally arrived to San Diego. I celebrated my birthday of 29 amongst my best friends in CA with a surprise party and a bonfire on the beach. I moved into my studio home-- my first time ever to live alone-- and felt my heart ache with a lonely feeling foreign to anything I had known before. I doubted whether God truly had me in CA, wondered if I would ever be in a relationship, and feared I made the wrong choice. My commute in the fall was tears upon tears, crying out to God and friends and my mom and anyone else who would listen. I made silent plans to return to Chicago and re-embrace the life I had there; pick up where I left off and start back where I finished. Every weekend was turned into travel - to weddings, to fall, to friends and reunions. My dearest friend Steph came out for a weekend to encourage my heart, watch sunsets, and pray for me. I knew that by the time I turned 30 I wanted life to feel different... But I didn't see a way.

November came around and brought me a relationship that appeared to be good; it offered a glimpse at a dream and a hope that I could be loved. It quickly turned, and brought nothing but anxious thoughts, fear of the future, and an insecurity within myself that I was incapable of being good for someone else. New Years was spent with all my best friends along the shores of Mexico; I surrendered a lantern of doubt and determined 2016 would be a year of trust. My heart was broken, but God was at work. He knew every place I searched and longed and feared.

My friends rallied around me, made me laugh, and supported me joining dating apps. January 12th was the day my world changed. I didn't see it coming and I didn't know it was happening and I never could've predicted it. The best man stepped into my life; he fought through my resisting, and provided a place for me to feel safe, known, and cared for in the most tender of ways. He sought after me and appreciated me. When he looked at me, his kind eyes and gentle strength gazed right into my heart. He saw who I was on the inside and loved me. He broke down my walls and gave me a place of trust. The world was now a place of color; a sense of adventure brimmed each time we were together... He made me feel that as long as we were with one another, anything was possible. My heart, my dreams, and my passions were the very places He wanted to seek out. We fell in love over early morning coffees, Beacon's sunsets, happy hours, and walks on the beach. At 1 month we went to Mexico with his friends, at two we roadtripped home to our families, and at three he told me he loved me while flying a kite overlooking the harbor. It has now been six months - going on seven - and I am more and more amazed at this man I get to do life with than ever before. We have wine tasted in Mexico, roadtripped the coast, summited a 14er, fly fished on the Eagle, stargazed in Big Sur, picnic'ed sunset cliffs, and biked the Golden Gate Bridge. We have driven to Mexico for tacos, explored vineyards in Temecula, night biked up the ocean of Santa Barbara, and cheered for the Cubs in Chicago. In all these things, my favorite nights are the ones where we are at home -- walking to the sunset hand-in-hand, drinking a cocktail, making dinner, and dreaming about our Someday. It is in those moments that I see how my every day is transformed with Benjamin beside me. It is in the errands, laundry, around-town drives, Costco runs, and car washes that I get a glimpse of God's relentless love. He gave me the greatest man to do life alongside - a consistent, loving, sacrificing best friend - and I would do all the heartache and tears and questions that wrought my soul in this 29th year over again, if I knew Benjamin was waiting for me on the other side.

29 has been a year of the truth in Psalm 18:35: "God's gentleness has made me great." He held my hand and took me through - He provided in ways I didn't think possible - and most of all, He called me closer to Himself through giving me an earthly example of His great love. With 30 on the horizon, I feel a new sense of maturity, growth, and ownership of my journey. I feel anticipation of what's ahead met with excitement for what is now. A new decade breeds new adventures; and I can't wait to jump the hurdles, take on the roadblocks, seek the extraordinary, and write the story with Benjamin.

The Next Best Thing

At some point during the last year, I came to deeply understand that teaching is not the story I want to continue to write. While so much of me is the Teacher Personality - I'm organized, positive, punctual, planned, nurturing - there is also a part of teaching that limits the lifestyle I want to live. I am the token friend who falls asleep at dinner at 8pm, sends limited email/texts during the day, and craves an hour of silence after work. And yet, even with reflecting and processing this part of myself, it was fear that allowed the questions to surface - what if I couldn't find another job? What if I hated giving up my summer? Won't life be worse if I step out of what I'm comfortable with?

The older I get, the more habits I develop - and as much as risk is invigorating, it is also terrifying. It is unknown, blind, and uncomfortable. It is flying to France and beginning a journey of 550 miles. It is packing up the car and moving across the country. It is saying yes to a man who is giving his love. Risk breeds reward, but risk also presents the possibility of failure. And if I fail, then what?!

I am plagued by the fear of being in a situation I hate and not finding a way out. This seems irrational, as I have never once been in a place of being completely trapped, yet somehow I convince myself this will happen. At the end of the school year, I willingly signed a contract for another year of teaching, knowing this wasn't what I wanted to do. God was nudging me to Trust; He was urging me to have faith He would provide something better; He consistently spoke that He is For Me - but I chose to go the avenue of security. I am reminded of what Lucy learned of Aslan "He isn't safe, but he's good." What kind of story do I want to live?!

I have watched friend after friend stay in relationships with guys that do not treat them to the standard they deserve. A third party could look in and wonder why they are staying in the relationship when it's obviously wrong?! They try to make it work, see it through, give it their best. They live in a "why not" world... Life is not presenting them another option, so why not remain in the relationship they have in front of them?! The act of living out an unhealthy relationship naturally keeps the heart from other options. We can't see that life could be so much better with someone else because our emotional energy is spent on the person we don't want to be with. There isn't anyone else available because we have cut ourselves off from the Unknown.

Living from my heart and making decisions based on what I know of myself is what it means for me to live an integrous life. In all I do, I want my heart to be present - I want to make decisions knowing it aligns with my values, passions, and desires. Staying in teaching would be like staying in a bad relationship. The act of committing myself to a job I didn't want made me unavailable to other opportunities that could be present. In some ways, I avoided the scary realization harboring within me - admitting I didn't want to teach anymore felt wrong - what is my problem that I can't make this work?! Why do I always want something better?! I allowed the fear to rise, the questions to follow, and the admission that it was Okay to settle within me. I had to quit in order to move forward. Stepping into the unknown allowed an increase in my faith. This lack of stability led me to a place where there was nothing else holding me back from pursuing other options with my whole heart.

In a series of random questions with friends, I was once asked: What do you want written on your gravestone at the end of your life? As morbid as this question might be, it also provided a focal point to the mission of my life. In an instant, I knew: She lived and loved with her whole heart. That's the center of my purpose - living fully from the depths of my heart, pursing what God has laid in front of me, and trusting in his unfailing character. I want to love Him the best I can and pour out His love into the relationships in my life. That's it.

In the faithfulness of God, He has brought me to work at Point Loma Nazarene University -- a dream of mine since the early stages of moving to San Diego. Through a series of circumstances - seeing an old Baylor friend while grabbing a last-minute coffee with Suzy, hearing about a new program at PLNU and applying on the website, connecting to the interviewer through relationships from Wheaton - I can see how He knows me more fully than I do, and I can trust Him with the most intimate, and even scary, desires of my heart.

While a part of me grieves the end of summer and a change of career and a whole new rhythm to life, tomorrow I will show up to my first day knowing that I have advocated my truth and am living out my heart in the fullest way I know how. God has called me into something new, and there is excitement in knowing I am walking through the open door He has given me. As any journey often reflects: it was never meant to be lived alone. He put Benjamin by my side as my biggest fan, a community of friends here as a constant refuge of safety, and my Studio by the Sea as a place of rest and reflection. Trusting in Him is the greatest adventure of all and one that I will fight the fear to choose over and over and over again.

Summertime!

Any summer I've ever known has been filled with beaching and biking and grilling and roommating... the feeling of relief when shorts are pulled out of storage, the smell of freshly cut grass envelops the air, the restaurant patios and rooftops are a daily routine, and sounds of crickets bring comfort to sleep each night. Summer in Chicago is marked with a feeling of anticipation and liberation when the long-awaited sun appears and you suddenly remember why you live there.

But this summer is different... My first summer away from what I've known for summer's past. While the nature of summer freedom and sleeping-in remain the same (and the beach of course! ;))... in other ways I have to remind myself that it's the summer season... that it's June... and that the Fourth of July is around the corner. Here, summer doesn't present itself with the same kind of drastic change in lifestyle- gatherings with friends take place in the same way, the only difference being that I can stay past 9pm ;)

There's a certain ease to life here - sunny days are not pressured or forcing people out - summer feels relaxed and peaceful and slow. My days melt into each other, each one with more memories and jokes and time spent with Benjamin. And perhaps that's what makes this season feel the most unlike others... life with him is a daily eagerness towards 5pm when he gets off work, an expectation of time together each night - even when it's simply a bike ride and making dinner and Chef's Table, it feels like the best night ever. It seems I can never spend enough time with him -- knowing his heart, laughing about the little things, and dreaming about life to come. I am still in awe that he is in my life, and I would take 10,000 more summers that carry the same feeling of this one. I am the luckiest girl alive to live this summer season with him.

For our five month anniversary we headed into wine country in Mexico - the dreamy Guadalupe Valley... a place I've always wanted to go! Ben surprised me (until I guessed it...) and we spent the day wine tasting, taking in the views, and remembering our top 5 memories together. The trip carried a new kind of exhilaration with how drivable and accessible Mexico is after just receiving my Sentri/Global Entry card... until we got detained at the border for over an hour because who knew you had to actually activate those things before you can use them?! Learned that lesson the hard way. But Benjamin is my favorite adventure buddy and I will gladly be detained with him at the Mexican border any day! ;) Here's to many many more!

This Year

I used to think vulnerability meant openly sharing the depths of your heart with all people... to be vulnerable was to keep those deep & secret places out of hiding and in the light. But this year - from moving across the country to jumping back into the classroom to living in a studio to dating to falling in love - has been a life lesson of vulnerability that I have never experienced before. 

It's not simply sharing emotions or showing people your transparent self; vulnerability is in fact a choice you make to Risk. For me, vulnerability has meant taking the first step to act on a dream, make a decision, and seek a change. Championing this subject like no other, Brene Brown in Daring Greatly writes that vulnerability is "Wholeheartedness, a way of engaging with the world from a place of worthiness" (page 9 - highly recommend this book!) I love Donald Miller's imagery of vulnerability as standing on the edge of a dock jumping into the water - scary, fun, everything all at once. (He also says that vulnerability is loving another like this: "a phone call in the morning to pray about our day, a text-message to say I’m thinking of her, a handwritten note, a postcard when I’m out of town on business, remembering what drink she likes when we’re at a bar, asking follow-up questions about her friends, and not hiding behind humor when it’s time for a serious conversation.” -- which somehow manages to pull my heart every time I read it...)

Realizing my life needed a change while in Chicago was a scary admission to make - it meant that something wasn't completely right; for some reason my heart ached for beyond what was in front of me. While I entertained the idea of moving for a year, it was safer and much more comfortable to stay where I was in my familiar apartment with my known friends and my easy job. I didn't live out true vulnerability until the dream of California was put into action - fixing the Resume, applying for jobs, hopping in the car, and waving goodbye. The risk was the steps that made the dream attainable. 

I often think the same about love. I used to date by thinking through the idea of liking another person; maybe even entertaining them in my life for a bit. I claimed I wanted love, but there was no evidence of follow-through that moved me toward the other person. I wasn't willing to risk the very vulnerable feelings of love, so it didn't happen (that, and the others weren't Benjamin...) Taking steps towards real love - the kind that is not just an idea or dream or thought - has been the greatest and most beautiful challenge of my life. Putting myself in the position to truly love Benjamin has been as Donald Miller described, that feeling of taking a deep breath and jumping in and paddling in the cold water. From the beginning, Ben allowed such a safe space of honesty to exist between us in a way that I knew he was completely For Me, so that my heart didn't wonder or doubt. I could take the vulnerable action of jumping off the cliff and saying Yes because I was doing that hand-in-hand with another person. Choosing vulnerability over and over and over again is something I run from, yet so deeply want to do - it is continuing to love without abandon and choose him instead of myself.

Brene Brown writes that "Vulnerability is the core, the heart, the center, of meaningful human experiences"... and I know this is true. The idea of vulnerability sounds great, but am I willing to live it out when it's scary? When it means quitting a job or calling that friend or saying No to other plans? That is the truest test of living a "wholehearted life" - and one that I am committed to exploring in & through the decisions, dreams, thoughts, and journey.

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation."

//C.S. Lewis "The Four Loves"

Daring Beyond

I am challenged to consider the choices I make that determine what kind of life I am going to live.

Too often I assume choices like job, housing, location, friends, etc have power over me to determine my destiny. I settle for less because I'm afraid to expect more... I convince myself that what I have is good enough and it could never get better - even when I'm unhappy... I cling to the comfortable because I fear the failure.

I will never forget my wise friend Sonja's words urging me to "dare to dream beyond the Kindergarten classroom...." Those words led me to graduate school - a scary, but right choice for me at the time. Her wisdom then carried me to California - a risk 100% worth taking. Where will that dare lead me next...? Can I dare to dream for more? Or is my challenge to be grateful with what I have? When is it right to leave, when is it right to stay? At what point do you simply put your head down and grind it out doing the work you might not want to do in order to live the life you someday hope to live...?

These are the questions that plague my heart and my mind... that keep me up at night and occupy my prayers by morning... I want to know I am giving my passions, gifts, and purpose to something worthwhile. I want to give back and make a difference that matters... not just coast along on the easy road. Only God can answer these questions as time passes... Only He can lead by paths of righteousness for His name sake.

I remember that He is more concerned with the state of my heart than with the decisions I make - He cares about who I am becoming as a woman of Him, not necessarily my career goals. It's true that He fulfills the desires of my heart down to the minute detail... but it is also true that giving my heart to Him day by day by day is the most worthy decision I can make. I pray I can remember and trust His truth and rest in His goodness.

Thoughts from the City

This skyline... Sigh.

There is a sense in Home that reminds... Who you are, where you've been, and how life brings unforeseen change. Riding bikes along the same lakefront path I rode from the Lily to the beach for 5 years - looking over the water to familiar buildings in the skyline that motivated me for all those runs - everything that was so deeply engrained in my everyday rhythm of life suddenly appears foreign and unknown. It seems that with Benjamin by my side, the old becomes new, and that constant longing for something More is complete. The Chicago I know holds the remembrances of youthful hopes & dreams, wonders about the future and glimpses into What Could Be. It carries a blindness to years to come and a playful energy with all things Adult. Exploring the city with Ben has changed my sense of this city I once knew.

This guy... I love him to the moon!

Adventures in Divvy bikes... Yikes.

In my thesis research, I'm exploring how our landscapes, simply the environment we live in, change us. It's a gradual effect that happens over time, so that we often don't notice until we Return to the place we started. Living in a place with sun and ocean compared to a place of fast city life brings a different perspective to the world. Adventuring around Chicago for a week after living in San Diego for 10 months allows me to see how this is true. New eyes upon a familiar place brings a sense of Freedom from what was... It also brings sadness and a grief for what can never fully be anymore; to repeat the past in the city - young & single - would be to recreate a chapter that has closed. It was simply so good it had to end in order to prepare the way for the next Good. Moving on can be scary at times, the familiar streets no longer familiar, and the road before me is one of constant change I can barely keep up with... But I know that it is Good. 

We happened upon a Cubs game for scalped $10 tickets!
Lemon Chills and Beer... mmmm...

River walks at golden hour

In a way, I think full clarity for most life situations happens when we remove ourselves from the environment in order to return with fresh eyes. Driving to California with the city in the rearview mirror was perhaps the scariest thing I have ever done. But with risk comes reward - and had I never gone, I never would've known the Great & Beautiful that awaited on the other side.

Gathering with this community of friends is the very very best

The Lily!!!!! I took Ben to my favorite of homes... :)

The Idea of Change

While some shudder at the idea of Change, I have typically thought of myself as someone who embraces it - I accept newness as adventure and put myself in the position to overcome difficulty with the vision of growth. When it comes to moving across the country or exploring a foreign country - sure, sign me up. Living in a new space, working a new job, trying regional food, delving into a new church community - okay, I'll be fine.

But when it comes to relationships, I have a different reaction. Lately, I have noticed a slight ambivalence surfacing when I think about how friendships either mold and evolve, or dissolve and fade-out.

After all, I'm the girl who had the same best friend from Kindergarten to Middle School, then carried the same crew of best friends from high school into my mid-20's. The thought of moving on from friendships or letting them dissipate over time always brought such heavy sadness to my heart - how could you share so much growing-up with someone then only talk once a year? How could a person know my heart inside & out, then simply not know who I am anymore?

When I think about romantic relationship, I recognize the magic of the early stages - a fluttering heart with the first kiss, a stomach of butterflies with each text, and an absolute giddiness with any slight mention of the future. Only five months in, I \fear getting to a point of comfort where "I love you" becomes habit, hand-holding is the standard, and selfies together = so normal. I find myself already missing those early-early moments even though we're still in them. I search for a method to cling to each blissful memory because of fear that it might cease to exist. Planning a future and a life with someone brings nostalgia to the Beginning - the stages of sheer glee knowing there is a human in the universe who is so in love with you and so For You that he would truly do anything to be with you.

But thinking about this stage with the desire for it never to end is simply ignoring the beauty that comes with growing through every season of life with someone. While it's true that you can bring delight into the ordinary and make normal moments special, it's also true that romance wears out and you're left with life.

I want to look back and see our love right now for what it is - while it carries the feeling of being deep and perfect, I hope I look back and realize it is surface and imperfect. I don't want to feel what I feel now in five or ten years because I want to know that my love has transformed with time. All the sentimental emotions arise thinking about the beauty in the past five months, but I also desire knowing his dreams, motivations, thoughts, goals, character, quirks, and hopes to a far deeper extent than what is possible right now. While I pushback against Change, I know that the evidence of life together is the exact growth I fight against.

An age-old lesson of the Cross returns: often things in life have to die for something else to begin. Sometimes those friendships have to be left behind or that romance has to die out for a more beautiful relationship to emerge. Grieving What Has Been and moving on towards What Is is a discipline I will never perfect, but I will try to understand. God gave us the Cross as the greatest example of death and life, and He allowed me to walk the Camino to embody this metaphor. He has given me an example of His Love in Benjamin, a shadow of His sacrifice I get to experience on earth... and He gave me a school year with a start and an end so that I can pause and mark the year. He gave me 29 going on 30 and I don't want to be the same person in August as I am today. It's okay. It's okay for that one thing to die, it's okay to move on, and it's okay to Change. Change = Growth; and Growth = Life. I want to move and grow through all the seasons, embracing them as another way to know God and be more refined into the woman He created me to be. And I am so beyond lucky to get to do that alongside forever friends - especially Benjamin, my life's greatest gift.

The Pace of Life

We have finally arrived to the point in the year that most teachers have looked ahead to since the previous August... the paintings start to detach from the walls, packets and projects saved for a rainy day go the trash, and day-by-day the classroom begins to sense the impending emptiness. The children are anxious for summer alongside the teachers - that last day of school is looming on the calendar like a far-off, unattainable land where freedom resides with Rest and Sleep.

With early bedtimes and heavy morning eyelids and red-eye weekend flights... I long for a day I can simply sleep past 6am. I look ahead to summer as this time to be filled up - rejuvenated and at peace. When I consider this desperation for summer, I wonder what it is I more deeply long for... a rhythm of life that is sustainable? A time when I no longer answer to 20 children at every moment? I don't want my life to be a series of countdowns... to holidays or breaks or marriage or summer... Is it possible to enter into each day with the fullness and freedom that is so easily found in those blissful summer months? Because this habit of longing will never be completely fulfilled... it will just be replaced with something else.

I look to God as my Sustainer, remembering that He is the One who brings true Rest. True rest is not found in sleeping-in or blank calendar days or collapsing on the couch after school... Rest is only found when we come to Him as the fountain of life... and that can be found everyday, no matter the season or location or job or chaos of the moment.

I desire to make it more of a discipline to Be Still and Know... not just in summer, but each day I can choose to live in Him.